Page created 17 May 2002 by dex
Amusing jokes dripping with cheese sauce, collected from all parts of the globe / the web. I thought it would be nice to have a place to post jokes that really tickled you when you read or heard them the first time. One can always use a good dose of humor.
...not exactly rated G. but not too bad.
Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife's legs were wide apart, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial situation as well as the moral costs of this offer, John says that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2 PM Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time at 2 PM sharp and after paying her the agreed upon $500, they went to the bedroom and completed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 PM and upon entering the house, asks his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
NOW THAT'S A TRUE PLAYER!
What do you call a hobbit porn star?Dildo Daggins
half-baked jokes
One day the Pope was riding around in his limo when he got the urge to drive. He asked his driver if he minded switching places with him. The driver didn't feel like he could say no to the Pope so he got in the back and let the Pope get behind the wheel. Well, the Pope was having a ball driving here and there and unfortunately caught the eye of a policeman as he was speeding by him. The policeman pulled him over. He walked up to the driver-side window and quickly realized his dilemma. With a scared look on his face he stepped back from the car and radioed in to his station. "This is officer Ryan on I65. I have a situation. There's a problem with the person I pulled over for speeding. I'm not sure what to say to him." The officer at the station replied "What did you do, pull over the mayor?". "No, it's not the mayor." "Is it a chief justice?" "Not, not him either." "Well, who did you pull over?" "I don't know, but he must be pretty important if the Pope is driving him around."
One day a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. So the bartender says to him, "You know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?"
And the pirate says, "Aaar, its driving me nuts!"
what's the difference between and orchestra and a bull?on a bull, the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back
What did the Crumhorn player get on his I.Q. test?Drool.
The Good News, Canada has offered to help the U.S. in the war on terrorism! They have pledged two battleships, 6000 troops and ten fighter jets.The Bad News, with the current exchange rate, that comes out to two canoes, a Mountie and a couple of flying squirrels.
Billy Crystal was at a celebrity roast when they dissed his film "When Harry Met Sally" he responded, "It was 1989. It was a very different time -- Bush was president, the economy was going down the crapper, and we were about to go to war with Iraq."
Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going."Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.
They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.
They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
the mental image of the man baptising the dead meat always gets me....
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.
The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these.They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. The angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged..."What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
and poker related too! i'll have to remember that one next time i hit the casino.
bodacious joke
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.
Finally, the president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
WARNING: BAD JOKE. This is so lame, but it made me laugh. What can I say.C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental. The judge rules that all contrary motions are bassless.
"Pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. Sits down and says, "I'd like a whiskey."Bartender says, "Okay, but don't start nothin'."
What does the dyslexic agnostic insomniac do? Stays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.*********************
Once there was a woman who lived alone in the middle of a forest with her cat Alfred. They had had no one but each other for many years and were very good companions. One day an old woman knocked at the cottage door. She said she had lost her way and asked to stay the night. The owner of the cottage invited her in, shared her supper, and let her sleep in her own bed. In the morning before the old woman departed, she asked the cottage owner to name anything and she would cause it to be done for her. The woman thought for a moment, then answered, "Well, as you can see I am living here alone with my loving cat Alfred. He is the best friend I've ever had. Could you turn him into a man?"
The next morning the woman awoke to find Alfred in her bed as usual, but he had been changed into a very handsome young man. They looked at each other for a moment, then embraced, and he whispered in her ear, "Don't you regret that you had me neutered?"