(null)Created 25 Apr 2002 at 12:42 UTC by pedro.
Notes: Heard a noteworthy quote today? Put it here.So, Linux is a totally free operating system that has Microsoft all worked up. Here's a fistfull of BillG's latest lies:
"Then you get to the issue of who is going to be the most innovative. You know, will it be capitalism, or will it be just people working at night? There's always been a free software world. And you should understand Microsoft thinks free software is a great thing. Software written in universities should be free software. But it shouldn't be GPL software. GPL software is like this thing called Linux, where you can never commercialize anything around it; that is, it always has to be free. And, you know, that's just a philosophy. Some said philosophy wasn't around much anymore, but it's still there. And so that's where we part company."This is so packed full of errors, it's not even funny. And I like the part where Bill insinuates that philosophy is bad. Or maybe it's just that the philosophy of sharing gets in the way of his philosophy.
well, its hard to find a common link between the corporate whores who live their entire lives centered around superior business models, and the ideals that drive profit-hungry businesses like microsoft. unfortunately the 'philosophy' around LINUX being free just doesn't compute with Bill. its too bad he doesn't just give up the fight against LINUX and focus his efforts on coming up with a product superior enough to compel people to actually buy it. i, for one, use whatever computer is available to me, and whatever OS it happens to run. im not a techie, and i don't buy any of the stuff, so it is all lost on me. im just a user with DSL and a lot of time.i think Bill's statement is pretty much nonsense, and sounds like the words of a man who feels truly threatened. and that threat is what (hopefully) drives the market to come up with better products over time.
anyway, he's a dick. you're going to see a lot of posts from me until i get another job. hopefully soon.
i think, grammatically, my first sentence above is quite misleading. i meant to say its hard to find a link between the ideals of $$hungry dudes like BillG. and the people out there using and supporting and improving LINUX because technology should be available to everybody, not just those who can afford a new OS every year.i hate when i don't proofread my posts. sorry...
"or you could come by my apartment"
"no really, i read books!"
"i AM deep, Bitch!!"
"Let's go home."
"Shut up and sit down, you big bald fuck!"
"You have just been murdered -- again!"
'i bent my wookie...' 'what's a diorama?'
THERE'S NO CHEESE ON YOU!
"or else I would have been forced to hate the next two films"
'There's usually only one 20-40, but that's like saying there's only one Sophia Loren'
So, do you want to come by and see my recording studio?
i have many problems / fears i can't ignore / i don't know the meaning of self destruction / i have many questions / places i can go / i don't know the meaning of "no trespassing"
"I left it in the future." -- Me (or was it crackmonkey? the story is muddy in my mind now), regarding my Encryption key.
Okay, so I bugged you about your GPG key, and you said "Why of course I made one... I just have to... go get it...." and then softly, as an afterthought even, you said "It's in the future."This I immediately shortened to the catchy "I left it in the future!", which sounds a lot more like a Tick thing to say. Like, you're implying that you tend to travel in time a lot! LIke, you were just in the future a while ago, and dropped it without thinking. YOu'll just have to go back there to get it!
"Oh, this question is definitely worth my time and consideration -- DELETED!" -- Strong Bad
talking about the DVD of the movie Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice
'Stephen Baldwin and Gary Busey star in this hilarious sequel.'
I ask you: does it get any better than this folks?
Ha ha the future rests with the children!
"yo BAM! - so i be checkin my emailz, and i get this message from some 'pedro' mutha . . . and i think to myself, i sure as a mutha don't knizzow any 'pedro' BAM! . . . and there askin me ta join some emailz crew . . . emailz crew?!? but i think on it for a bitz, an i decide that i aint never been tha type of mutha to turn down a crew, so i sign up. but then i think, yo BAM!, what if they hit me wit tha service charge? so i send this 'vinegar' crew an email bout how i better not be gettin no check in tha pizzost, or else they be gettin the back hand, ALL BUISNESS STYLE! BAM! and they send me an email - yo thanks for joining, and 'be nice' - be nice? now they be insultin me like i have an attitizznude problem! but it's all good. so i get on tha list, and i be surfin, and lo and behizzold, my homies are on the wizzneb! all rock star style n' jizznazz! i was wonderin why i never hear from them anymore, and now i know its cause they got tha cash money! so yo, can i get two dollars? unless, that is, its your last two dollars."
So like, if you're doing a link or something, please use the preview button to test it out. YOu can always click back to the submission form and hit post when you know it works.I mean, I really don't care about the bad links or whatever, but that's what the preview button is for.
That URL worked before. Must have moved.
and it's working now. NO idea.
So I says to 'dis guy, "Enter Exclusive Fish", an' HE says, "Enter Recipient:", an' I'm thinkin', "WHAT?!"...
last year i worked at j.c.'s conoco and country mart at the corner of 52 and county 12 in lovely oronoco, mn. some funny fella had put a quarter under the glass countertop to fool folks into trying to pick it up (ha ha! hilarious!). two sweet young junior high local girls came by, tried to pick it up, couldn't (ha ha! hilarious!), and said:teehee! that's jewish!and left. kids are so cute!
Yeah, when I grew up in southeast MN, people would say things such as that. I never understood why.
by some comedian whose name I missed;"..and the audience usually gets the joke much quicker than we think."
which goes a long way to explain the awful, condescending, punchline-telgraphing, poor timing state of comedy in this country.
"We're some kind of tough."
GWB concluding a not-so-lucid speech about the new border security bill.
the first sentence:Snow-Balls have flown their Arcs, starr'd the Sides of Outbuildings, as of Cousins, carried Hats away into the brisk Wind off Delaware,-- the Sleds are brought in and their Runners carefully dried and greased, shoes deposited in the back Hall, a stocking'd-foot Descent made upon the great Kitchen, in a purposeful Dither since Morning, punctuated by the ringing Lids of various Boilers and Stewing-Pots, fragrant with Pie- Spices, peel'd Fruits, Suet, heated Sugar,-- the Children, having all upon the fly, among rhythmic slaps of Batter and Spoon, coax'd and stolen what they might, proceed, as upon each afternoon all this snowy Advent, to a comfortable Room at the rear of the House, years since given over to their carefree Assaults.
i believe there is a book club in the offing. join the expedition to pynchonland!
I tried to read Mason & Dixon, but didn't get very far. I tried to read Gravity's Rainbow, and also didn't get very far. A pattern?
Try Finnegan's Wake.
Well, I tried Ulysses. What a tedious waste of paper.I heard a story about Finnegans Wake, but I don't know if it's true. Apparently Joyce was dictating part of it and someone knocked on the door, so he said "Come in", which was duly transcribed. The secretary realised her mistake, went to correct it, and Joyce said "Leave it in". And that is why I think Joyce is a waste of space.
You have definitely got to be in the right frame of mind for JJ, and this is one I can rarely keep for very long. I think The Cat and the Devil is his best, probably because it has a cat in it.
did anyone else hear on npr this morning how there are tons of complaints in california about the quality of the bud the government is supplying to medicinal marajuana users? apparently, it's all sticks and seeds and everybody is complaining. one dude says he's so disgusted he's stopped smoking j's altogether. maybe this is an argument against legalization - give the government something to do and they'll find a way to screw it up. i ask you, how hard can it be to come up with some thai stick in california? maybe they should have contracted out to an indepentent supplier...i'm sure they could have just asked around down at the beach...
i know some cats who know some cats who can get you what you want. id just buy my own stuff and claim that i got it from the government if i had the legitimate claim in the first place.
i've got that old rheumetiz don'cha know, and since there's a history of glaucoma in the family i figure i need a rigorous preventitive regime...and don't get me started on the vomiting - ever since i read nausea i can't see a tree but i do that technicolor yawn...i'll have my people be in touch...
oh yeah, and i was listening to the cbc a couple weeks ago and i also heard about the canuck govt.'s recent follies - seems they gave manitoba (i think) a contract to grow a patch of that green asperin for a special program, had all the patients lined up, then they find out the manitoba project, who decided to grow their crop in some abandoned mine, got such a crappy crop they had to trash the whole stash and delay delivery of the product until they can figure out how to grow something decent (underground - in an abandoned mine - in manitoba). it boggles the mind. could it be they'd have better luck talking to some of the good citizens of british columbia? naw.
so who's that eskimo
that you took in from the cold?
in from the cold?
well you set him on fire
to try to wake him up
but he wouldn't wake up.
trapped in the ice:
how will we find you?
how will we find you?
so call the fireman
and he'll climb up his ladder.
right up his ladder.
he'll say "what's the matter
with your flaming eskimo?
your eskimo's on fire!"
Philip Seymour Hoffman delivers this beauty in Almost Famous as Lester Bangs:
"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with people when you're uncool."
"when shit brings you down, just say "fuckit", and eat yerself some muther-fuckin' candy."paul sedaris
as quoted by his brother david
in david's story "you can't kill the rooster"
from david's book barrel fever and other stories
"Marijuana is still illegal, kind of."- an Oklahoma State Trooper
"We know God is everywhere; but certainly we feel His presence most when His works are on the grandest scale spread before us; and it is in the unclouded night sky, where His worlds wheel their silent course, that we read clearest His infinitude, His omnipotence, His omnipresence."
blvd... The one evening at CPBC with the entire night sky moving with swirls making the woods of the U.P. into a cathederial of light... Is that what Jane Erye was talking about?
"You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say." - President Clinton May 29, 1993
I can't think of that night at all without becoming completely, utterly, simply happy.
"The ultimate sin of any performer is contempt for the audience."
He who angers you controls you.
Overheard/overseen on Slarshdawt;
"...their security was like Swiss cheese: full of holes".I'm just puzzled why they thought they needed to explain the comparison. How else is security like Swiss cheese? (okay, "it stinks")
"...it's tasty with mayo and ham!"
with a side of coleslaw
God is good, but not safe;
Faithful, but not predictable;
Holy, but not distant.
"It wasn't until I started reading and found books they wouldn't let us read in school that I discovered you could be insane and happy and have a good life without being like everybody else."
"If you go in there, don't. touch. anything."
"you ain't even cousins?"
lukas and pedro
"are you sure you aint related?"
glad see your back in the dinner luke-ass
"You're not a citizen, your a consumer, man." Preceded by another great line about government or something that made this one even funnier...but I seem to have forgotten it.
"I'm really not afraid of being mugged. In fact, I welcome it sometimes. I have no money, just don't hurt me."
"Unpopular Book: Sweat The Small Stuff"
"lee used to be in a black sabbath tribute band, he was gezzer."-big john.
this is right after big john came back from the stones show at the aragon. john is the drunkest i've seen him and he's pissed, lee told everyone at the wood before john came in to say "thats nice" and walk away. so, john was getting back at lee cause he was tell baggins what a horrible band black sabbath was live.
disregard that part of my diary entry.
funny shit with lee and john. lee used to be Geezer Butler (the bassist) in a Sabbath cover band. how cool is that? (hint: very cool)
"These are the last of your filthy american coins." -- J. Random Dieter
2funny
...its not my van. i don't own a van.
"When George made a grilled cheese for me there was love in that sandwich."
I'm proud to be an American!
"Moderately wise each one should be,
Not overwise, for a wise man's heart
Is seldom glad."
from the Elder Edda
"I definatley work with the qualitative more than the quantitative. Statistics are human beings with the tears rubbed off."
"A catholic school girl has a sinful secret and Bill Smith is going to find out.
(man's voice): 'Mary, we need to talk' (door closes)
Tonight on an all new $TVSHOW on CBS."
I don't remember the names or what showit is, but it sounded like an ad for a softporn flick or something.
Girl 1: What time is it? Girl 2 looks around, about to say something, when girl 1 starts laughing hysterically and she snorts out- Girl 1: Too blad there's a cock on the wall! Both giggle fervently.
whats that?
Taco Burrito King! Belmont and Harlem...the one and the only.
"the only motivation i have to study ever is fear"-my friend Cord. this evening via an AIM chat.
cord is a junior at an ivy league school. we were discussing the fact that we were both burning the midnite oil on huge projects that we had procrastinated on.
waggins after biting into a hot cinnamon roll:"it's like an orgasm in my mouth..."
that was a rare case of me not thinking before i speak.
"That building is made out of real Lincoln Logs, not the toy ones."
"Careful, you could put an eye out with that F sharp."- Someone playing guitar at my house last night.
My little brother at Ocean Adventure (Denver's answer to the Shedd Aquarium).
My four year old niece Kadi asked "Is Grandpa Santa's brother?" this New Year's Eve while we were waiting in line to see The Lion King on IMAX. Grandpa (my step dad) has dressed as Santa for the kids since they were born and has done Santa gigs for several years where my sister works (a day care center). Kadi caught on quickly that the Santa that visited her at home is actually Grandpa.
"I want to be an alien when I grow up" --she's 3.
People who aren't from the U.S. sometimes try to use American slang...this is a classic:"Your shit is all apart"
what he meant was "Get your shit together"
I was on the floor.
That's fricken hysterical!!
and that's funny. . .I'm going to have to pass that on to my guys in the line.
Sounds familiar....Random Quote: "I've got a book in my pocket, no really! I'll put it back. (long pause) ... but I'm taking all the pages."
This is from my 9th Grade Basketball Coach - December 1993."You guys get to play high school basketball. Not many people get to do that. You should take pride in yourselves. What would you rather do? Play basketball, or sit home eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and watching Beavis and Butthead all day?"
posted in the "other topics' at 2+2.
-"I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".
One evening last week, my wife and I got into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I'm obviously not in tune with her emotional needs as a "Woman". I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realise that nothing is going to happen that night, so I go to sleep.
The very next day we went shopping at a big department store...walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK.
And then we go to the Jewellery Dept. where she gets set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You obviously are not in tune with my financial needs as a "Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring of 2005."
that's all.
you know that they're just as dumb as women, just dumb in different things, like cooking.I'm sooooooooooo kidding, if you guys give me shit for this, i'll rate you as tourist
who got drunk and insisted that he was going to get "fools of hatred" tatooed on his arm. and we were like "don't you mean 'full of hatred"? and he was like "no! fools of hatred" yeah dude the truth is out thereoh yeah i was a this japanese market once, like, two months ago, they had this new product that they were hyping. It was a "cervical pillow", i died.
i hope you know i didn't share the sentiments behind that joke. i just thought it was funny. we are dumb. but the flip side is how freakin evil you ladies are.
That joke was *hysterical*.But 2005? He should try 2010. And evil? Oh dearie me oh my, whatever do you mean?
ok. you know we're dumb. we even know we're dumb. but in my experience you guys seem to derive some perverse pleasure from punishing us to the fullest for how dumb we are. and we can't help it. and we do try.
obvioulsy there is some cynical part of me that is posting this. i don't actually believe it 100%. but there is a power that women have over men, and some choose to wield it maliciously. im not stupid enough to miss THAT.
batting eyelashes, for one, is an evil trick. it doesn't work when we do it. but it can get you the world if employed judiciously. that's pretty evil in my book.
Where is Kerry when you need him, eh? I wonder what the percentage is at. We lost mother theresa and it skyrocketed. For those who don't know what I am talking about. Kerry used to sit in George's and calculate the percentage of evil women in the world.
Not all women are evil. Not all women use their sexuality as a weapon. That said, women began to accent their femininity back when the world was controlled and dominated by men in order to try to gain some sort of advantage and/or sense of safety when they totally relied on men for their well-being. When they, in fact, had no other means of power... If women are still using their sexuality to get things, it just shows that they have been conditioned to do so...OR that there still is not a balance of power between women and men (those of you wishing to argue this should know that women still only get about $.80 / a man's $1.00 for equal work).
Also, I don't really think men are dumb. I think that all this battle between the sexes crap is an excuse so that people don't have to try to understand the other.
...or make sacrifices for one another.
I think that there is just way too much miscommunication between the sexes, I realize this more and more every day I am married, me and my wife just don't think the same way, and there's nothing I can do about that. It's hard to deal with sometimes, but women using there sexuality actually stems from far deeper blvdgirl, almost all species have selective women, it has to do with the fact that in breeding the female has more energy and time invested than the man, the whole taking care of the brood thing, I could go into more detail, but basically they CAN be choosy, so they ARE, and that lets them use there sexuality as a tool because success in nature is passing your genes on to the next generation, and we all want to be successful right?
Ab-so-lute-ly. And while there may be some women who may use such "wiles" to their advantage, there are just as many men who use physical attributes/prestige/charm whatever to THEIR advantage over the suckers who fall for it, be it woman or another man in a personal/romantic/business situation. And, I don't think men are dumb at all. Unfortunately there are dumb or mean or cruel people of each gender, and they're just jerks regardless of their sex.That being said, I feel people are people and of course there are physiological differences between the sexes, but we all have the same needs, motivations and basic feelings as human beings. Sadly, I think a lot of women are still conditioned to feel that their sexuality and physical attributes are bargaining items for them, more so than men, but I don't think it's some innate female trait. It's so trite but true--though we're all supposed to be equal now and women can achieve whatever they want blah blah blah it's because of all this media b.s. we are inundated with, and I don't think it can be disputed that women (wrongly so) are more judged and valued by their looks than men.
Recently my boyfriend and I were discussing all the movies out at the moment. He was saying how this and that actress sucks but didn't mention many guys (yes, I know the P.C. term is female "actor"), and I got mad and said he was being sexist. His justification was that Hollywood is so skewed because men don't necessarily have to be gorgeous to be successful actors, and are chosen based on their acting ability, but very few women who are not exceptionally good-looking become mega-famous. This leaves out a lot of potentially really talented female actors. If you look at foreign films as opposed to American (and of course there are many enlightened American directors, but I am talking the standard Hollywood slop), there are REAL people in those movies and consequently higher-quality acting in general, 'cause they don't immediately discard people who aren't conventionally beautiful. It all makes me so mad I could puke, but I don't know how this discussion got on "Eggs" so I'll leave it at that.
pedro.
This whole eighty cents on the dollar thing. If women get paid less, and don't like it, why take the job? It's shitty if a waiter gets paid more than a waitress, but they always have and excuse for that kind of stuff. When you get to salaried jobs though, i think that people should know how much that job should be worth, the should do some reasearch and find out what they pay. If I apply for a job and they offer me 50 a year for it and I accept, nice. If they offer a woman the same job for only 40 a year, and she takes it, she should've known better, there still isn't an excuse for it, but nobody makes you accept and offer, that's why unemployment. I really would like to see the raw data for those studies though.To summarize, it's crappy that anyone would be offered less pay for any certain job (unless they're given more benefits), but nobody has to accept a job offer.
Neo, this is nothing personal because I like you.BUT!!!! Get real.
The point of this figure--80 cents to the $1 (which used to be something even more abysmal, like .60 to the $1) is--first, men are often chosen over women for jobs when they have the same experience/skills necessary simply by virtue of being men. This refers back to what I earlier stated about men being judged more on their accomplishments and personal achievements than women, who are judged on other factors, like how "nice" they are or their looks. Also, employers are prone to think that a woman will be a less dedicated employee because she will have children and family as a "distraction." Not taking into account that there are plenty of equally dedicated fathers and family men, but that's just the stereotype about mothers/wives/daughters whatever.
THIS ties in to the fact that women have traditionally been thought of as homemakers (which does have evolutionary basis in what BigJ said), while the men are out bringing home the bacon. A woman is thus often forced out of necessity to take a lower paying job, because it's all she can get, or employers will pay a woman less for the same job a man may have because it all comes back to the cruel laws of the job market and the fact that they know the women will take the job & the pay due to a lack of options.
I did waitress at one time, and probably made more on average than the waiters. This is because of heavier tips from licentious men or people who thought I was "such a sweet girl." So it's a case-by-case basis. Obviously a man who was a waiter would make less than a woman doctor, but a woman doctor would most likely make less than a man doctor, for reasons I just described. And they are both doctors; it's not a matter of career discrepancy.
As a woman in a professional setting each day, I ASSURE you that I have to work harder to get the same professional respect as the men here. I will point out that most of our executive and senior staff are men, and the suport staff are women. Because I don't work hard enough or am not smart enough to be in such a position? NO. Because there would be men fighting over the same position, and you bet one of them would get it hands-down.
I have monopolized this entree long enough with this subject--maybe it needs its own entree--but I get so worked up about this stuff. I hope this made sense to you, Neo. It really isn't fair, you know, but about all I can do personally is get a sex change, and I like being a woman. I do. But I don't like being a second-class citizen.
Perhaps this subject needs it's own entree...I can't get out of a ticket by crying or by showing a little clevage. Neither can Baggs, in fact I'd bet we'd both either get beaten or arrested for trying.
The sexes will never be truely equal, just like races. We should all just get over it and try to shun folks that use sex (or race) to get ahead in any way.
Thanks, I like you too, i just haven't seen you in awhile.cinnamongirl, you are right, I just don't want to be associated with "those" people. Although I would still like to see the raw data, preferably not the data that NOW collected. ;-) Anyway, I'm sure that there are a lot of arguments for and against this case, but i will concede that generally yeah, and it is bullshit.
do you remember me coming over for beers one summer in burgh?
good times. Yeah, I remember. Hope life has treated you well since then. It's easy to lose touch in this accelerated world.
i guess i opened my big mouth (or whatever metaphor is fitting for the speaking/typing thing...)
of course, i don't really believe what i said. and you guys are right. communication is an area lacking in intergender relationships. things suck all over the board, not one-sided like i may have portrayed. i apologize for starting this. i certainly wasn't expecting this (but i should have known better).
anyway, the way inequality works (and the fact that it exists at all) in our society sucks. and i try to combat it whenever i see an opportunity. but i guess i am just sick of hearing how horrible and stupid men are, and essentially getting the blame for it. i still maintain that I am dumb. i've never broken anyone's heart, nor abused anyone, nor lied to any women, etc. maybe im being bold here, but i think i can safely claim to have been a perfect gentleman in every situation i have ever encountered with a woman, and often strive very hard to consciously work at this. and yet, all too often i find myself the only guy in a group of bitter women discussing how horrible men are. and i either nod and keep my mouth shut, or i attempt a defense only to get hostily attacked. neither situation is very fun. and i don't think i deserve it.
whatever, maybe im just too sensitive. or maybe im just too bitter. or maybe im just angry about how much it sucks to be as lonely as i feel these days. kill me now
I wasn't attacking anyone personally...I was just up on my soapbox & sharing my feelings on how things are still unequal in this world (which I obviously feel strongly about). Baggins, I know you would stand up for anyone being mistreated, and someone nice will see that eventually and you won't be lonely anymore. There are lots of nice women in the world, just as there are mean ones. It's not true when anyone generalizes and says "guys are all jerks"--it doesn't solve anything.I hope no one feels attacked--it's important to talk about this stuff, even though it evidently got a little volatile. I'm probably to blame for that, with the ginger temper, and I apologize. I'm glad there are intelligent and feeling people on the Diner with whom to do discuss these issues. I still wanna start an entree about this stuff, though I have never created one and don't really know what to say.
It's not just a gender thing. One of my closest friends is gay, and I know she gets tons of shit for it--especially from her own family, who are fundamental Christians (what did Jesus say again???). I've seen my boyfriend get treated differently than me the minute someone hears his name or otherwise finds out he is Latino, and I'm sure it'd be even worse if he didn't look as white as he does. The sad fact is, there are some nasty people in the world and they want to take it out on anyone they feel is different or less than them.
It's true that mean people suck.
That a statement like that makes sense to everyone here is proof positive our society still has a long way to go. Even inside our own hearts.
I know that this doesn't have anything to do with this topic but, since you're dominating this forum (entree, whatever) I'll just ask here. Have you seen Joy lately? I remember you maybe going to the Abbey with her alot, maybe. Are you guys still in touch at all? Just wondering.
I thought hearing Noah flub the "shoot me in a dream..." quote was one of the funniest things in the world. Anyone remember his original quote?
"shit... if you shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize!"
I saw Joy a few months ago at a party she was hosting. She lives with these "wacky artists" from Columbia College. They have a kick-ass cool apartment.Anyway, the party was...strange. Joy was at work when we got there and I didn't know anyone else there, so I felt really out of it. Then this guy pulled out a bottle of absinthe and offered some to us, but made me go in this weird, dark room where all these odd people were congregated with absinthe snifters and sugar cubes and stuff. I have always wanted to try absinthe, even before I saw Moulin Rouge. But Hernando got all upset and said he couldn't deal with my "doing drugs," so I passed up probably the only time I will ever get to try absinthe. Sad. Plus he thought the sugarcubes were laced with acid, but that was before I knew you're supposed to drizzle a sugarcube in absinthe.
Besides that bizarre night I have not seen her in a while. She used to live just a few blocks from me with Dan C. so I saw her a lot, but she moved in with these Columbia kids after Dan left to get his master's degree down south. She called me just a week or two ago to let me know she was having another party and I have yet to get back to her (though the party already took place--it was really rude of me). The point of this message is that I will have to listen to the message to get her new # and then I'll send it to you. We should all hang out sometime. I'll call Joy and tell her that. Let me know how I should contact you (e-mail, whatever) with her #.
Speaking of .80 to the $1, I'm going to get fired if I keep spending this many work hours on the Diner.
Ulysses: yeah, that's the real line, but it was hilariously mangled, and i don't remember exactly how it was mangled, Baggins, BigJ, welcome or someone else may remeber, perhaps?
I think Noah' version was "If you wake up in the middle of a dream, you better come over and shoot me and apologize." Something like that anyways.
Noah's version, too.
'If you dream about apologizing, you better wake up and shoot me'. i think welcome's is closer to what N originally said, though. funny shite.
Doyle, i hear ya. i knew there was nothing but love in this entree, no need to apologize. it is indeed a volatile subject, and causes tempers ('specially those sizzling ginger tempers) to flare up. thats because it sucks so bad.
speaking of Joy, i saw her and she invited me to one of those parties, i believe. anyway, it would be pretty cool to see her. and to see you again. when and where?
I had this dream this morning, during which myself and a number of other guys were being toyed with by a number of people of the female persuasion. To make a long story short, they made us wear pink shirts or else be shot, so when i was looking for one, i found first one that looked pink, but was red, and then one that was pink, but it was ugly so, i said to the guy next to me "fuck this, i'm going to steal one from ralph lauren" so we started going (yeah, all of a sudden we were in a mall) to the R.L. store and Andrew F. was giving me this dirty look so i said to him "fuck off you [i can't remember this descriptive word that i used] fag" and then he started chasing us into the store, shot my buddy, and had me cornered and was about to shoot me but then, ulyssess00 came in and woke me up, so i don't even know if I died or what!Anyway, i don't think that A.F. is a "fag" and I really don't use that word too often, if ever.
I'm just full of this shit lately, i think that I got caught offgaurd because it's late, and you guys are talking about "waking up" and shit, so it's your fault anyway.
Thank you for the reassurances, Baggins. I get a little out of control sometimes. I should be seeing y'all soon because I am definitely going to be at Goose Island this weekend for the show.Speaking of Joy, we should invite her to the show. I bet she'd like to go and see a lot of old friends, and I'd like to see her. I'm going to call her about it.
I called Joy and she said she's gonna do her best to be at the show, though she doesn't get off work 'til 11 p.m. Hopefully we'll all still be around when she gets there.She also told me Dan C. is going to be in town this weekend from Nashville, so I hope he will make an appearance. I love that guy--he's one the funniest people I've ever known.
Sorry, this really should be in Windy City Gossip--I have been posting way too many random things on this entree.
Random mutterings from Ron the NPU maintenance guy fixing our 1920's era shower .. .(during the Deep Freeze January 2003 Part I)
"My caulk is frozen! Aw, damn."
(say it out loud .. . .WAIT FOR IT . . .)
I was on the couch staring at the paper, and had to stifle random junior-high variety snickers for the rest of the day. My wife just started laughing out loud . . .
one of my favorite things to do is watch people repeatedly try to do things that can't be done. two examples:the gate to our apartment complex is, has been and probably always will be broken. we don't even have a key for it. but if you don't live here, you don't know that all you have to do is push it. walking up and seeing a pizza guy [or gal] bent over the ancient unusable buzzer system is very funny. particularly when you stroll right up, push the gate and walk right in.
and:
often after we've closed up at starbucks people will approach the locked door hopefully [though it's only about a mile to the next store and we close earlier than most]. they tug at the door a few times, see me scrubbing down machines, make eye contact and mouth 'are you closed?' and then try the door again anyway, then stand there, forlorn.
do a lot of places lock their doors when they are open for business?
But it's "over-seen"...(what?) anyhow I love when people walk into glass/screen doors, nothing is funnier. NOTHING!
i've walked into two screen doors in the past three years. and i'd have to agree, it's fucking hilarious.
at my work, when we're not answering our phones we have them all forwarded to voicemail. usually only after like 10pm and no later than 7am. this includes the courtesy phones located at O'Hare airport. there is one in each of the baggage claim centers as well as in the 'Bus/Shuttle Center' where we pick people up. there are a bunch of different hotels connected to this courtesy phone, and each has its own button.
our hotel's button is at the top of the Marriott section of buttons, and as a consequence, we get a lot of calls for the other Marriott's. mostly O'Hare Marriott. we get them several times a day. infact, sometimes we get more calls for them than we do legitimate calls for our service. these people are morons. they obviously don't realize they have to read, don't have a realistic scope of how big Chicago is, and that -Heaven Forbid!- there is more than one Marriott around. being dumb as hell, the people that make this mistake are aggravating to deal with on the phone. most just say sorry when they realize they pushed the wrong button. but some insist on being transferred (which i can't do on the cell phone they are calling), on asking ME information regarding another hotel i have nothing to do with, on wanting to book a reservation, etc. needless to say, there is NOTHING i can do for any of these peoples' problems. but they insist on calling us. sometimes my boss knowingly gives them incorrect information. i usually just tell them to call the O'Hare Marriott and then hang up. after all, they're wasting my time, they're not smart enough to read correctly, how are they ever going to know who hung up on them?
all this leads into a really funny voicemail that my boss actually saved for a while. it involves one of these dolts. some lady called and started on this hilarious desperate rambling monologue into our voicemail that got more frantic as it went on and went something like this:
"hello? hellllooooOOOooo... is there anybody there? can you hear me? oh shoot... i dont know what to do. im supposed to meet my sister, Jane Smith at your hotel. room xxxx... hello? oh shoot. what am i gonna do? what am i gonna do? im supposed to get picked up by you guys. isn't there a shuttle or something? hello? oh boy... i don't know what im gonna do... hello? my name is Vicky Smith... hellooOOoo... well, im just gonna have to hope you guys get this message and come pick me up. im at terminal 3 baggage claim terminal 3, American Airlines, baggage claim 4, Vicky Smith, staying with Jane Smith. helloooOOOooo?"
man was it funny. this lady was super frantic, and thought somebody could hear her while she was recording a voicemail. not the sharpest pencil in the box. and she called pretty late, after midnight at least. i listened to it every once in a while for a good laugh. keeps you sane sometimes when you're very bored.
In the same vein, we have had many, many, many stupid customers in my day. These are off the top of my head, but there are tons more each and every day
1) "Is the Chicken with Wild Rice soup vegetarian?"
2)(at least once a week) "Ill have the 'U Pick Two' with the (insert three items here)....what? you only get two?"
3) "The coffee's self-serve??? (stomps in a 360 with her hands in the air, fuming) I'm NEVER coming back HERE again! (stomps out)
4) (returning item) "I didn't know the chicken salad had mayonaisse in it"
And my favorite:
5) "Yech! This isn't a cappuccino"
'yes it is'
"Nonono...a REAL cappuccino tastes like vanilla"
It's the speedway commercials, i think.
odd that you should mention that, since i worked at Speedway for 16 months. that place blew. the customers there were quite stupid. always wondering why we couldn't sell beer at 4:30am, why we couldn't sell cigarettes to a 14 year-old, etc. i don't remember too many now off the top of my head, but man were they dumb...
can certainly reassure you that 98% of consumers are dumb.... And the other 2% hate shopping or eating out cause they are embarrassed by the idiocy of the rest of humankind.
I completely agree with the retail statistic, blvdgirl. But anyway, I was in Blockbuster the other day in the later evening and someone came in looking for the bathroom. Now as most of you know, places that have "no public restroom" signs posted mean just that, and having worked at Blockbuster before, I know that they'll usually bend the rule for a kid or something. But this peroson was being really nasty and finally said, "I know you guys have a bathroom. What do you do when you have to go?" And the guy at the counter looked her dead in the eye and said with a straight face, "We go to the restaurant across the street. That floored the customer, and me too, I might add. I couldn't stop laughing for awhile.
There is a lot of animal in human beings. When I see something like that, it makes me think of one creature outsmarting another in that cold, absolute, real-world kind of way. It's like I'm watching a Marty Stouffer program on PBS.It's not good -- don't get me wrong. When the customer finds out from a friend who works at Blockbuster that they don't actually go across the street, he/she is going to be furious at having been duped, and someone will pay... it might not be the guy at Blockbuster... but someone will pay.
for 4 years. over that time, i heard a number of funny things, mostly from my own coworkers.one of my favorites was when my team was sent into a temple when they complained about the last group (the photographer was wearing a christmas tie.) before we started, my coworker asked me, "so, what do you call a jewish church?"
Confessions of a Church Photographer
but my mom used to be a bank teller ( making about twice as much as any male teller, B.T.W.) and this guy from the mexican restaurant next door would come in every once in awhile to make a deposit or whatever, get change to open with and what not, but he didn't speak english, so he would write down what he neede on paper and my mom would get it for him. So he wrote down the bills and change he wanted and the last thing he wanted were pennied, now, spanish being a "phonetic" language, he spelled pennies, "penis" and my mom thought that was pretty funny. So she let him in on the big secret that she spoke spanish. I really though that was funny, i hope you do too.
There are countless stories floating around ski resorts about dumb questions. Some good ones:"Where do you put the man-made snow in the spring?" "What do you do with the moguls when all the snow melts?"
We also had a lady that was looking at the lift building, which I admit looks a little odd, and asked "When does the lift start?" - The lifty replied, "It is running, see the chairs moving?" Woman: "No, not the chairs, when does the lift start?" She was pointing at the building. I had to leave because I was laughing so hard when the lifty had to explain to her that what she thought was a lift was really a building and it didn't move.
so,at that party last nite:
before discovering $10.26, i was dancing with a girl on the temporary dance floor. i leaned over to her and shouted in her ear: "DO YOU HAVE A CIGARETTE?!?"
without saying a word, still dancing, she grabbed my arm and rolled up my shirt sleeve. she then rolled up her own sleeve, revealing a nicotine patch. she peeled the patch off her arm, slapped it on mine, and rolled my sleeve back down.
that is love.
i think.
sitting in Potbelly's
Sitting in potbelly's:"Are you kidding, that guy would eat my puke!"
Didn't the running title of your autobiography used to be"Smile, and say 'Jesus'."?
If only it were already written, and I were living off of the money from it.....
i saw her at Ed's on saturday. instantcofi... email me her phone number. i told her i would get it from you and call her. and she didn't believe me. so now i HAVE to. and i want to.
"you guys look like you know how to cook some shit up" - to pedro and a i when asking about buying the dr. martin oil, the sale man thought we could just look at the ingredients instead.
I had forgotten about that!"Yeah man, here!" -- and I handed him some tainted crystal meth I made in my basement. And he died!
* Dear DEA: that was a joke.
Apologies--In the article "Lack of parking is a pressing concern," by Katie Peterson, Gry Irlnd was misquoted. He never said the students at North Park were "lazy."
the students at any college are lazy!There are too many stupid quotes to think of from Ruby's, but they were mostly overheard conversations of really stupid people. And hey, I'd eat Karah's puke! I mean come on who wouldn't?! But then I have a never ending supply of gum, which helps.
MMMMMMMMM puke breath...
"i'd be so pissed if i were a school kid... to have my snow day robbed my president's day."-neoacerbitas, commenting on footage of the east coast blizzard on TV today.
that's "to have my snow day robbed by president's day"
but that was a typo.
Hi. This is the qmail-send program at nitrogen.nac.net. I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following addresses. This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out.
[Chinese friend]: What's the English word to describe when two people are really on the same wavelength and don't have to use a lot of words to communicate.[Me]: Simpatico.
me: "i think i decided what i want to be when i grow up."pete: "what?"
me: "a philosopher king."
pete: "a falaffel king?"
me: "mmm... that's a good idea too"
Friend: Emus -- aren't those like ostriches?Me: Yeah.
Friend: I think I saw a special on TV about emus having sex.
Me: Was it called the Emu-Sutra?
"Anyone that tells you there's no such thing as good guys and bad guys is full of shit.I ride a white horse, and I shoot silver bullets.
I believe my side will ultimately lose, but I refuse to quit.
To my compatriots, keep fighting the good fight."
"have a big glass of water before you go to bed. then you'll have a reason to get up in the morning."(i was going to put this in "spoonful of advice" but thought it was more natural to put it here.)
I've always liked the really gotta pee alarm clock, but somtimes you just end up sleeping and wet, :)
sad as it seems.
"Pants are overrated."
- large man working at a local coffee shop. Kinda made me squemish to think about....
while punching straight up into the air to imitate a "short lesbian fisting" her:short lesbian: who's your daddy?
margaret: um, eileen?
short lesbian/eileen: that's right bitch!
"Last night Christy asked me, 'Do you even like wine?'. Strange question. I do like wine, but probably not enough to have a wine cellar. I guess mostly I like building things."to which i'd most likely reply:
"i guess mostly i like consuming things."
i just got off the phone with a court secretary for Potter County, Texas. i got a speeding ticket there in january and after my car got towed here, i forgot about it. anyway, when the cop took down my info, he messed up my name, putting down my first name as my last name, my middle name as my first name, and my last name as my middle name. i guess he just thought "stuart" was a more appropriate first name than "grady." anyways, this woman on the phone is telling me to write down this new case number to put on the check i send, because if its the OLD case number, it'll be the one with my switched-around-name and it would never go through and my liscence could get supended. so i say, "we'll its not my fault the cop messed up my name." and she says:
"i know, i know.... i'm fixin' to fix it."
texas, ladies and gentlemen.
"I bet his dyed black hair must be so comfortable in the scorching heat." -- Coneyisland
I guess I made the quote of the day.
What is that thing? It looks like Orthanc.
...looks like it's made of styrofoam.
"Damn. Good thing He-Man wasn't his role model."
"The Security Council is not responsible for what is happening outside the U.N." -- German Foreign Minister Joschka FischerI thought they wanted people think they were important, I guess not....
"I love how the news is all about defeating hussein's REPUBLICAN guard, and installing a DEMOCRATIC government"
"I wouldn't mind being in an American film for a laugh, but I certainly don't want to be in Thingy Blah Blah 3, if you know what I mean."
"SAVE ME JEBUS!"
"It's amazing that anything gets done in this office."-my boss, looking up from a game of Battlefield 1942 to comment on my discussion with a coworker regarding why a "Sticky Shark" toy was no longer sticking to things
"Put it in your mouth."-solution offered by co-worker RE: sticky shark
i was chatting with this girl online the other day, and no, not that girl. so, she said something about going somewhere on a road trip after graduating and i was like yeah dude, roadtrips and then blah blah blah blah blah blah and then she said (quote)?where do you get off??(endquote) and i was like, huh? and she was like (quote)?nothing?(endquote) and i was like, yeah.
finally after resolving my damnable confusion we realized that she was asking when i got off work, she then came by to visit me in the computer lab ese cee ele.
tom you're awesome.
I do find it amazing that anything gets done in that office. And you make it a big deal to play crib with me on yahoo! Which we should do again!
im home right now. we should play some yahoo euchre. IM me on AIM at Melkorravenclaw. or call my house. 708.301
2810
"Where's MY Honduran friend?"
Yo, I have no AIM at work, and can have none, but I am free to play almost everyday at noon, that is my lunch and that is when I play the most. And I will play Euchre with you, we will kick much booty. Just drop me an email I will send you one to get you my email address.
"I just want to make sure I have my own final destination." --woman sitting at the next table over at breakfast.
Perhaps this should go in the current events Entree?Things are not as bad as they seem. They are worse. ~Bill Press
when people start asking you for help.
My Friend: so, i keep getting offers from old guys to blow me for money
My Friend: and i am seriously considering it
My Friend: getting a blow job and getting paid
My Friend: my other option is to find gus van sandt, who lives in my neighborhood, and convince him my life is worth making a movie about
Me: or you could do both. make a movie about you getting blowjobs.
My Friend: my own private idaho
My Friend: he did it already
Me: oh.
Me: you could be the sequel.
My Friend: my own private oregon
"Army worms are for hating, not drinking."
"I'm sorry, I didn't think I was going to talk about "man on dog" with a United States senator, it's sort of freaking me out."-- AP reporter Lara Jakes Jordan, while inteviewing Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA)
But I sure can rock the Jesus into you!
Question: Why does the Friar say, "Young men's love then lies not truly in their hearts but in their eyes," to Romeo?
Answer: cuz he thinks romeo is just crushing on juliet
That's hysterical!
so spot on.
When teachers give students pop quizzes they should hire a midget to stand by the door and hit you in the nuts as you come in. That way a pop quiz won't seem that bad.
that student is smart.
"I'm a jack-of-all-trades and a master of none""Life is all about getting enough to eat"
Some guy, regarding the Auburn athletic dormatory that fire burned over 30 books:
"The real shame was that over half of them hadn't even been colored yet."Another guy at a party (hot girl just walks in):
"WELCOME TO PARTY BABY! THE-PARTY-IS-RIGHT-HERE!" (points to his face).
that was me, and i take that personally. (the party's right here)
<Sned> is red vinegar considered christian rock?
<pedro> sned: I don't think we would consider ourselves a christian band, although we're all practicing christians (or however you want to express that)
<twoply> i'm also practicing. someday hopefully i'll actually be good at it
<pedro> twoply: haha, yeah... i'm gettin' ready for the Big Game against the satanists
<twoply> yes, the Fall Classic
Armageddon a pain in my side after reading that.
My wife after hearing that I'll vote for whatever Democrat runs against Bush: "So you're not going to throw your vote away on Nader this time around?" :)
Yes, the Nader voters learned their lesson. Too funny!
...is never a "throwaway."but thats a topic for a different page.
anyways, ive been meaning to post this one on this page for a while:
Back when i was living with Hemingstein and Dietrich, i had a year of free magazine subsrciptions to about a half-dozen rags like rolling stone, premeire, newsweek, time, and details and shit like that...
anyway, i walked into the apartment one day, and aaron was sitting on the floor with a copy of newsweek. he acted really excited to see me and said:
"OH! hey! i'm glad you're here, i was just about to drink a bunch of cyanide and kill myself, and i was wondering if you wanted to join me... see, i was thinking it was better to be dead than to be living in..."
and then he held up the magazine and read the text on the cover (which had a smiling photo of oprah winfey)"THE AGE OF OPRAH!"
i about pissed myslef.
Hemingstein's flair for the sarcastic/dramatic always cracks me up.
OPRAH IS THE BANE OF EVERY HOUSEWIFE IN AMERICA
Oprah is in fact the bane of all men who live with housewives in America!!
After all, some of them must despise her too.
of course. but even some who despise her still watch her show.
Heard early one morning after the Counting Crows' version of Joni Mitchell's Big Yellow Taxi ("They paved paradise to put up a parking lot"): "And what would look better in that parking lot than A BRAND NEW MERCEDES??!!", hyping their Mercedes giveaway.
Shatner's ex-wife sues over horse semen
I'm getting really tired of seeing eric and kathy's smug mugs on every bus in this town...
08:31 <pedro> Whose defense do you believe more? Sammy Sosa 85% 67966 votes Martha Stewart 15% 12448 votes
08:32 <@sneakums> I didn't know Martha had been accused of corking her bats.
Martha really corks my bat...
Yesterday while leaving the gym I saw a interesting t-shirt.It said: I hate Fight Club.
Coney if it wasn't so outdated I would ask the person where he got one and get one myself, I thoroughly disliked the movie, and I'm pretty forgiving about movies the last two I haven't liked have been that and the Matrix 2, but I'm thinking I need to see the Matrix again so I can see if it redeems itself with a second viewing.
I guess the verdict is out:1) He thinks it's really cool to hate Fight Club, but really likes Fight Club and just wear the shirt to be cool
2) He really likes Fight Club.
3) He really hates Fight Club.
I'm hoping for number 3. It's hard when three of your best friends call it their favorite movie, so I have a strong distaste for it. Not that it's cool for me to hate it, it's because I never liked the movie to begin with.
I hated the twist in the end.
i just did. it's not really all that deep a commentary on existentialism or the human condition or anything. but i enjoy it anyway. i guess i am a sucker for clever. sometimes.
...but I think that fight club is a good candidate for "last movie of the millenium," if that makes any sense.
I found Fight Club entertaining, but I wouldn't spend too much time thinking about it; sorta the same way I feel about the Matrix...fun, smarter than most, but not the kinda gal I'm going to spend the rest of my life with...or something like that. Whatever.
i like fight club. it was entertaining movie. personally, i also see it as cautionary in a way-over-the-top sort of way, because i have a family history of mental disorders triggered by insomnia.
...I'm reminded of the madness of Rousseau and French Romanticism... wait, I've already thought too much.
"Always take pictures. Assume no one else will."
-http://www.lileks.com/bleats/index.htmlI used to carry a camera with me literally everywhere I went. I used it as a watch and wore it like I was some strange kind of mechanic, with an elph instead of a leatherman. click.
"The summer I spent as a Northrup King Seed Salesman in the south was mostly a miserable time; I was lonely, and was reasonably certain my camp-counselor girlfriend was cheating on me. (She was. With a lifeguard. And it was Bible camp!)"...ahh, it was a strange moment when I realized that counselors could sin at Bible camp.
I have written possibly...5 papers on fight club for film school. its an overrated film in the regualar world and an underrated film in the film world. Film students love it, film teachers do not. Who's right? We are the students we have to be, ha ha. Anyhow,
and Oscar Wilde is brilliant, but really harsh.Jack: What extraordinary ideas you have about how to behave to a woman.
Algernon: The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain.
alh and I were walking down foster avenue on the way back from taste of heaven, and there was a red light on foster at clark. This banana yellow jeep pulls up with the top down, and there was a dude in there listening to his music at about 300 decibels. Like low-riding techno volume.The music was "Dancing Queen," by Abba.
I couldn't help myself from laughing, not in some kind of disapproving way, but because it was just such a funny moment, and I was imagining the dude in there just high on life driving around on a beautiful night in a jeep listening to good* music. I can totally appreciate that. I have totally appreciated that. But it was still funny.
The guy saw me laughing in his rear view mirror and made a look like, "What??? I like ABBA!"
So I felt bad. But then I laughed some more after he drove off.
* for subjective levels of good
Pedro, yesterday me & my friend Chad, who is in town, were sitting in my sister's room talking, and we had the window open, and I suddenly heard--REALLY loud--A-Ha's "Take on Me" coming from the apartments next door, which is kind of ABBA-esque, don't you think? We both laughed our asses off, because who blasts A-Ha? But "Take on Me" IS a great song. I don't blame them. And they were really in earnest about it, because the music had not been loud before and was not loud after that song ended. It was sweet.
they really wanted someone to take them on.
pedro, I retract my compliment about you being holden-like.
I can delete that post! Don't take it back, that was the best ego stroking I've received in days! A-Ha is really crummy! See!
'take on me' rules.
80'sI agree! I like that song. But not at mind-shearing volume. I had a neighbor who would blast Fleetwood Mac. I wanted to slash my wrists. I also had a neighbor who blared "Invisible Touch" by Genesis every so often which I thought was kinda cool.
I wrote in that post about A-Ha. God, such grammar. I think that stupid test I took on Saturday has burnt out a few million brain cells. Anyway, I don't know much about the group--I'm assuming they're a one or few hit wonder--but that song is cool (in my book). The video was cool, too. Remember it was this girl, and then the band is in a comic book or something, but then she steps through some door and they come to life? Or something like that. Those were the Golden Days of MTV, my friends.
olivia newton john. which was one of the first things i heard coming at full blast from a new neighbor's apartment in l.a. if you want something crummy, take olivia newton john and turn her up as loud as she gets on the crummiest boombox you can find and then move your crummy furniture all around your crummy apartment while everyone else tries not to hear your faux disco music.but these days all i overhear are trucks rumbling down highway sixty-one and little dogs yapping their heads off while they get shaved and preened, presumably to embarrassing heights.
is that that apartment is named "xanadu"
<@Zen> I just figured out the good way for them to end the [Matrix] series.
<@CrackMonkey> yeah
<@Zen> "Whose Matrix was it?"
<@CrackMonkey> like
<@CrackMonkey> keanu could wake up, and he'd be back in bill & ted, just like the end of the second newhart series
<@Zen> Woah.
<@CrackMonkey> ever see the last episode of newhart?
<@CrackMonkey> he wakes up on the set of the old bob newhart show
<@Zen> Heard about it.
<@CrackMonkey> haha
<@Zen> It was his old show, right?
<@Zen> yeah
<@CrackMonkey> like
<@CrackMonkey> he had dreamed the whole second show
<@CrackMonkey> which is a good end to a crappy series
<@CrackMonkey> Newhart < The Bob Newhart Show
But I really did like Newhart.
"You look just like the 4th of July....makes me want a hotdog REAL BAD!!!"
a girl behind me said, "that was the dumbest movie I have ever seen.....it was good, but...." I had to turn her off at that point.
Theology is wrestling God down into our limited point of view, and then forcing that point of view into a language that is lacking a handful of essential God dimensions.
What is truth?
who would i want to read to read about the idea of 'truth as negotiation'?
...I've never heard of such an idea, but Wiberg might be able to help you out.
Off hand, it sounds political so it might be based on an idea of consensus so maybe Rawls, but again I defer to Kerry.
perhaps i'll ask him.
baggins, I talked to Kerry and he had no idea either, and Rawls won't be helpful. Sorry.
Is "truth as negotiation" a specific theory of truth, or is the "negotiation" part of it up for... eh, negotiation? If it is, then it just might be a way of talking about dialogical truth.
"dude, you can have your dumb diner."--puss about 2 months ago after i kindly explained to her why having her be a presence here wouldn't be so great for either of us. (not to mention all of you).
i was waiting till enough time had passed before it was safe enough to post it.
btw, this is my favorite entree.
perhaps we should start a Philosophy entree? i will do that, and then explain further...
said by Pedro to me, about 4 years ago, when we were both sizing up the other person's Discman and mine appeared to have a feature that his didn't:"You know, I probably wouldn't want that feature anyway."
*beat*
"Yeah, actually I would."
"You know, I probably wouldn't want that feature anyway..."* pause and jealous realization *
"No... I really do."
I'm not sure if we can quite explain to anyone else how and why that was so funny.
Said by Sparks, operator of The Logos [the ship piloted by Jada Pinkett-Smith's character Niobe] after they miraculously made it out of the matrix alive, risking their lives to assist Morpheus, and now want to jack back in:"You just used up eight of your nine lives getting out, and you're telling me you want to go back in... you know, I don't just think you're pressing your luck, or that you're stupid... I think you've got a death wish! A major, full-on Bronson! "And since you obviously hold your lives in such little regard, I can only only conclude that there's not much meaning in them. And so I ask you, to please, think about something that *does* have meaning... namely, MY life."
this one I like to quote when I see a lot of "A mind is like a parachute; it functions best when open" bumper stickers floating around:"An open mind is like an open mouth; it is useful only in its capacity to close down on something solid."
(okay, not the actual quote, but my midnightish paraphrase)
"marketing people have to be let down gently, like kittens."
and true too!
"I have a new instructor that has come in and she needs a phone installed in her office in C-64. Would you please send some one up promptly to service her. Thank you"-- from a help desk ticket i got this afternoon. Jack says, "I'm pretty sure *that's* not in our job description."
You just have to get a modem hooked up to a commodore 64.
got my own login for the NPU system today. I think it's existed for a while and I didn't know about it. My bad. So, Computer Services, thanks.
Haha, now I get it. I couldn't figure out why you guys were making Commodore jokes yesterday.
"My tummy is like that pink bunny on tv."
This is more amusing if you have ever seen my sister.
i have seen your sister, and that is hilarious!
Bartentender, talking about his kid's internet useage... - "I like porn as much as the next guy, but there's a time and place for everything."
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
cosmoposility.
isn't that the study of the probablility that a city will be left undestroyed by a nuclear bomb due to the entire populace flapping their arms rapidly?
"a psychological enema for all you jungians out there"
- A review of A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami on AmazonAnd something completely different...
"She likes to seduce men and then have her husband kill them."
- The guy I live with, describing a strange woman at the bar last night.
I had a resident in BGH Hall (That's Bovine Growth Hormone Hall) who was well over 40 -- probably in his early 50s. He smoked in his room constantly, listened to his music (including Donovan) at a loud volume and was a nuisance in general. I could write a novella about this guy. Anyway, I confronted him several times about the issues, and we once shared this little chestnut:<frank> You know, you and I don't get along because we're from adjacent generations.
<pedro> No Frank, you and I don't get along because you break the rules.
explain more fully...?
that's weird. how hard is it to go downstairs to smoke?
As hard as it is for smokers to move away from expelling secondhand smoke into people's lungs and faces as they congregate practically on top of doorways, and under overhangs.
While I was in LA a week and a half ago, I got stuck in a parking lot with a friend of mine. We had free passes to get out, yet the woman operating the exit toll booth couldn't get them to work. At one point she said, with an amazing southern accent, "Well, kiss my knees and call me honey." It was the last thing I expected to hear in LA.
"You guys have an addiction problem. You should go to an addiction place because you cannot stop spending."
"I don't get laid, but at least I can laugh." - Talking about snooty tourists.
heidi: "I'm so excited! I'm going to see R.E.M. tomorrow night!"student worker, freshman: "who are they?"
You're kidding?? Woah...... what's next? REM on the oldies station?
they invented progressive college radio, which you young whippersnappers think you dreamed up yourselves. be sure and foam a little while saying this, and then change the subject to how you tied an onion to your belt, a la Grandpa Simpson.
that's what we called nickels in those days, give me 5 bees for a quarter you'd say, so anyway I was on my way to Shelbyville...what a great episode
Now this line isn't funny at all, but is extremely funny to me because of two things: One, I work in television. And two, this quote is from Howard Stern, specifically a live commercial he read during a break."I wish I was a nonlinear video editor!"
I'll be impressed if he even knows what that means.
"Always take lots of pictures. Assume that no one else is going to."
...like something smaxx would say. i say give him the credit.
Sounds familiar, but it probably wasn't me. I've taken lots of pictures, but I also know that sometimes you should leave the camera at home.
http://www.lileks.com/bleats/archive/03/0603/061203.html
- Halfway down the page.
<ralph> Howdy stranger.
<man> Howdy stranger.
<ralph> Your corn looks little and yeller.
<man> Well, brother, I planted the little yellow kind this year.
<ralph> You can't expect much more than a half crop then.
<man> Well, I'm sharecropping and I only get a half share.
<ralph> Sir, you're not much far from a fool.
<man> Well brother, there's only this microphone 'tween you and me.
"My first thought was 'Oh my God, not another Austrian emigrant -- the first one caused enough damage"' - Peter Boenisch Read more...
Ok, I know it wasn't his fault, and yes, I agree... still, this is a funny quote."I kind of feel bad for the guy. Every fan in every ballpark, the first reaction they have is they want a souvenir. They don't think about the outcome of the game or what could happen. Unfortunately, it happened. Hopefully, he won't have to regret it for the rest of his life." -- Moises Alou
...after hearing I was sending him a link to an article showing a lack of diplomacy in Iraq (toungue planted firmly in cheek I might add):"All this will serve to do is illuminate your's and the media's liberal bias."
This was on NPR and Miss Usa was at the Miss World competition in China. She was talking about how China was so different than she expected because she thought everyone would be wearing like, traditional chinese costumes, like, you know. She was shocked to find that they dressed just like we do. I couldn't find the transcript on the web or in nexis, but that's the gist of and it's funnier to hear it I guess.
I always thought embarassing was an interesting word because it contains the sounds "em", "bare" and "ass." "Em" as a sound usually indicates an adjective property added to a previous or implied subject, for example, "emboldened" or "empathy." This works for "embarassed" too, because if you have a "bare ass" and you don't want to, you're usually embarassed.
"The basic problem, as they see it, is that we are not built for the type of world we live in. We are beings with unlimited dreams and ideals, and insatiable yearnings. But we live in a world which is small and petty, shot through with limitedness at every turn, and which chokes us off on every side. We are extraordinary beings living in all too ordinary world. We are simply not at home!"It's not really that "small". "Bijou", maybe...?
"but the wind is howling like a Johnny Cash song."
i'm going to have to use that sometime!
"haven't you ever seen a banana take over the world?"
"Should I download my isp into my monitor?"
Man, I love my dirtbike.
I think about it more than girls.
"That little boy farts like it's his job when he's got some pudding to squeeze.""Once we get him to stop peeing all over his front legs when he squats I think we'll be in pretty good shape."
Seen on a bumper sticker this morning;"Legalise Updoc"
Well, it made ME smile...
"I blah blah blah, I blah blah blah, promise to love and whatever, promise to love and whatever..."... I don't think those are supposed to be direct quotes.
for inspiration, while we're writing our vows.(kidding, kidding).
Politicians, ugly buildings, and whores all get respectable if they last long enough.
From a co-worker:It's March...time to turn over a new leaf, cause I'm sick of wiping my ass with this old one from February.
#50 What is the purpose of the musicians in [Act IV] Scene 5?
Answer-Cosmic Relief
That's too funny.
given the proper amount of argumentation the answer could be correct!
"The value of a healthy relationship is highly underrated."
Cute little boy: Do you have a Jolly Rancher in your mouth? Me: No Boy: Are you wearing deodorant? Me: Yes Boy: Oh, that must be what I smell.
maybe your deodorant just smells like watermelon, or something. that's cute.kids say some cool stuff to me. I was chatting with 2 kids from my church who were in the cafe today. 3 year old and 5 yrold brother and sister. very cute. apparently the 5 year old plays guitar, and the 3 year old beats his dad regularly at Halo.
i agree almost completely
Mommy. The plural of mouse isn't mice. It's mouses. House is houses. Mouse is mouses. Silly mommy.
And it does make sense. English is such a crazy language.
i think it would be hilarious if the plural of "spouse" really were "spice"
well, more than one spouse would be pretty spicy...
not so much, really.
in the kind of caustic capsaicin injuring you kind of way, not in the oh la la kind of way.
i meant both, actually.of course, I was kidding. too much spice causes indigestion.
My Mythology class is finishing up a unit on fairy tales in which we focused on the symbolism and reading them analytically, etc. It's a fun unit. Anyway, one of my students listed this as the moral of LRRH: "don't leave the F*cking path!" (Notice that F*ck is the only word deserving of capitalization.)
I always found that sort of profanity funny, and so is the moral. And probably a good one for many a story!
"Never leave the boat. Never leave the boat."--ChefMartin Sheen, voiceover; "Never leave the boat. Too fuckin' right."
"But, when I get up onstage and start doin' my thing, people worship me, 'cause I'm sexy... and chubby!" - Dewey Finn
Directions: Read the sentence, determine wherhter or not it's complete, a fragment, or a run-on. If it is not complete, correct it.
Q: Colin and his friend Oliver.
A. Fragment (Correct). Colin and his friend Oliver like to throw rocks.
Maybe it's just because I get a little loopy while grading, but this one has me laughing out loud.
In Arizona, where a poll shows Nader pulling what could be a decisive 7% of the vote, state Democratic chairman Jim Pederson says the party has assembled a team of lawyers to look at every one of the signatures Nader collects. "Our first objective is to keep him off the ballot," Pederson says. "This vote is about George Bush and John Kerry, and we think it distorts the entire electoral process to have his name on the ballot." (from Time)
Nader may be spoiling the Democratic vote, but that's how it goes. the electoral process is a game. game theory seems to show that the Dems have more to lose by having Nader on the bill than the Republican party does. I understand why he made the comment, but at the same time, it certainly doesn't distort the entire electoral process. it illuminates it quite clearly, with a razor-sharp accuracy.
"i mean, gummi bears don't taste like real bears."i think he was referring to natural foods.
when he walked in this morning and went to the kitchen to get coffee, i heard him say,"who made the coffee? someone with parkinsons?"
this was after the office p.a. had asked my input on how to use the maker. i had no idea what was wrong with it, so i left him to his own devices. i guess it was all over the place.
<@Zen> Politics died because all the new forms of communication are pimped by the system.
W-
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."I hope he misread.
Misreading would imply a pre-existing level of literacy.Then again, W. may have misread due to his beedy widdle rat eyes.
Seriously, eyes like a rat's.
btr
Dave
Check this out. I was especially surprised by Dave Sim's answer.
...has issues.chester, did you ever sell your cerebus collection?
Isn't it interesting though to watch his decent into madness and wonder where in the heck his brain is at? Especially in light of how interesting the first several years of that comic were. I never did sell the collection. Do you want it?
Descent into madness rather.
"Too many good OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their" - he paused a split second, as if searching for a word, then continued - "their love, with women all across this country," he said.
that was a really weird moment, lukas
I don't understand. What was the context of that?
Q- What is "dharma"? A- A horse that shows good times & bad.
at the RNC. unless we're talking about different things.
from this article: Mutually Assured Deconstruction
Mr. Kerry's lapse, however, was matched by Mr. Bush's seemingly severed synapse of Monday night. At a rally in Poplar Bluff, Mo., he was breezing through his domestic agenda when he came to a favorite: what he calls medical liability reform."We got an issue in America," he began, in a folksy diction aimed at his small-town crowd. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business."
Mr. Bush then turned to another point he has been making lately to appeal to women - that among those doctors being driven from the business are many obstetricians and gynecologists.
But Mr. Bush seemed to get derailed on the way to his point.
"Too many good OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their" - he paused a split second, as if searching for a word, then continued - "their love, with women all across this country," he said.
Women all across the country might actually be relieved by such a shortage.
he did mention the OB/GYN thing in his RNC speech and i was very uncomfortable with it. it was awkward and weird and out of place. and his beady little eyes didn't ease my mind.
A tail ain't nothin but long booty... a booty ain't nothin but a butt.
in ann arbor, spring is the nicest day of the year.
"you shouldn't vote for John Kerry, he kills babies"before anyone wonders what I've been teaching her let me say that she very intentionally blew this out of proportion just to be sensational....and this at the age of 7. I'm in huge trouble!
I cought that line once too, when dukakis was running. Back then i only knew to choose on who i thought would look better on the poster of presidents in the classroom, and i said "dukakis" one day, and the girl next to me said "but he wants to kill babies" and she looked like she wanted to cry. I didn't know exactly what she meant, but i knew that was stupid...kill babies, this isn't china, come on. It's alittle funny i think
that I would have never heard about this had a classmate of hers not passed this info on to his/her parents who called the principal to complain about the direction the social studies conversation took. I guess i shouldn't be so surprised that people are stupid enough to believe that a teacher would actually tell her second grade class that a presidential candidate would kill babies, i must be giving people too much credit....deosn't that seem like an incredibly stupid conclusion to jump to?
i guess i don't have anyhing else to say but, for sure
That the truth is somewhere in there in all that grey, stan.
however, in this day and age, people - especially parents - like to find fault with all sorts of things that affect their children. especially their teachers/education.
The alternative, Wags, is taking personal responsibility...and that's just not done anymore. It's so passe. That's so like fairy-tale.
Makes every teacher a scapegoat.I will refer you to Eminem
"Where were the parents at?"
btr
Dave
federal day care?
on "this amercan life" last week Ira interviewed a lady that tought at a school in chicago that went from one of the worst schools in chicago, then through "reform" and eventually became one of the best schools in chicago, and then, in the interest of making all the schools in chicago the same, was forced to become one of the worst schools in chicago. I personally wouldn't say that pub. ed. is federal day care. But i don't pay too close attention to it either. I don't think that the teachers opinions should be banned from the classroom, but teachers shouldn't teach their opinions and, likewise, the government, even though i think they should be able to regulate pub. ed. to some degree, shouldn't force it's opinion to be taught. I'd hate to not know that our country is responsible for hundreds of thousand of deaths just to keep the price of bananas down. . .
Human beings weren't meant to sit in little cubicles, starring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.
There must be more to life than having everything.
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
Pointing at my Genuine Irv Hat:I like your ugly-*ss hat!
I'm still not sure if it was a compliment, or not.
during sunday's game, whoever the play-by-play man was said something like, "Craig krenzel is a perfect 4 for 6 on this drive" I thought it was pretty funny
I choose to believe it was a compliment! Those hats can be spotted all over...mom even spotted one in the hospital!
there's this one girl that i almost always sit next to in accounting, it's more of a "we sit together at the same desk" not like a "i look for her and sit next to her", but anyway.
i was like
"so you all ready for the exam??
and she was like
"no, not really. I just remembered that we had it when i was at work last night at 12:30"
i was just like
"what kind of job do you have that requires you to work so late?"
and she was like
"i work the door at a club"
me: "oh, like a dance kinda club"
her "yeah, kind of"
me: "what club?"
her: "um, the lumberyard"
me: "really?"
now, the lumberyard is a strip club in des moines, and i have to be honest, i've never been to one of those so i was quite surprised to find out that i've been sitting next do the door girl all semester. I do however know, from radio ads that their slogan is "where real men go for wood" pretty gross if you ask me. She said that the money was really good, she gets 7 an hour, but guys leave and see her and say "oh you're so cute, and you don't take your clothes off, that's really nice" then they tip her well. I thought that was great, i've never had a conversation like that with anyone. I told her that maybe i'd come visit sometime, she said "you should, i'll let you in for free". I probably won't, but maybe for giggles sometime i'll go and just stand outside with her and chit-chat.
lumberyard's frontpage, which is quite humorous, if you're into this kind of humor. nothing bad on the front page, but mildly humorous. if you're into humor. or humorous disclaimers, or humorous illustrations of beavers and 2x4s.
my own disclaimer: i don't like clubs like that, i've never been to any club like that and i probably never will go. I don't think it's a very wholesome thing for a person to do, from either end. The End, i just thought it was funny.
"I'm glad it done like it done because that kid worked so hard."
i'll have to check that out. i love jack white like a little brother.
There's a trade deficit. That's easy to resolve: People can buy more United States products if they're worried about the trade deficit.
Pepper: (sincerely) What makes you think I'm a prostitute?
Russell: Because I'm a fatty, and you have big boobies.
Queen to rock legends: Who are you? Eric Clapton: 'I wouldn't expect her' to know us LONDON, England (AP) -- Queen Elizabeth II met four of Britain's most famous guitarists Tuesday, asking them: "And what do you do?"Queen's Brian May, Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin, Eric Clapton and Jeff Beck were all guests at a Buckingham Palace party to honor the British music industry.
"It's great to meet her and it doesn't matter at all that she did not know who were are or what we do," Clapton said. "I wouldn't expect her to."
Other guests included Charlotte Church, Cilla Black, Shirley Bassey, Roger Daltrey and Geri Halliwell.
Phil Collins, another guest, said it wasn't the first time he had meet the queen.
"The queen has heard my music but I don't know if she's a fan," Collins said.
``It's exciting to be in a restaurant nude,'' said George Keyes, 65, a retired junior high school English teacher. For more, look here: odd thing to see
21:56 <BryanB> Makes me think of the new guy last night, spent most of the evening tryig to get him to give up writing what amounted to a new Runequest
22:00 <hamsterprophet> oh yeh, and he apparentely is planning to spend 1500 on cover art
22:07 <BryanB> or like that poor bastard on ENworld who stuck 10 grand into a d20 supplement about intelligent humanoid dogs...
22:08 <BryanB> he's starting a new family and he thought an rpg supplement would be a good way to generate some additional income, words fail me!
"A case in point is their famed hit American Woman, which has recently seen a revival in films such as the Oscar-winning American Beauty. Rocker Lenny Kravitz covered the song in the Austin Powers comedy The Spy Who Shagged Me, making it a hit again around the world, a fact some found curious since Kravitz is an American, singing a song perceived to be anti-U.S.But Cummings reiterated what he has said in the past, that the song was not meant to be a political metaphor. Instead, he said, it really was about women.
"We had been touring the States incessantly and then we came back to Canada and as I looked out from the stage the girls just seemed to be younger and fresher (than Americans)," he explained.
"So my thought process was not American woman, stay away from me, but Canadian woman I prefer you to the American woman."
But he admits the lines about war machines and ghetto scenes could be construed to be political, yet he dismisses them as being largely "gobbledygook."
Nonetheless, Cummings and Bachman are happy about their success with the song. "
the topic of the news piece was the ongoing simmering protest against taco bell. something about the poor quality of life of the tomato growers that taco bell buys from and taco bell somehow being irresponsible for not trying to change that.<interviewer> do you think that they're being treated unfairly?
<taco bell spokeswoman> who's being treated unfairly?
<interviewer> the tomato growers
<taco bell spokeswoman> well as far as i know, no laws are being broken
it smacks of cya, but really, supply and demand economics does not include any provisions for generosity. if tomotoes are too cheap to live well off of, i don't think that's taco bell's fault.
what about the poor quality of the tomato in general, especially at taco bell. I don't go there too often, but if i wasn't so compassionate towards my fellow man, i would ask for none, they're those "styrofoam" ones that they "mine down in texas" or at least that's how i recall mister keillor describing poor tomates.
"strip-mined in Texas"I have read that book far too many times. And also not enough.
"my love life is like a deceptive cadence...i think i'm getting somewhere, but i'm really just wasting time" -some kid at iowa state that grew up on a farm but decided to be in music
life begins at conception, and ends at planned parenthood -some guy on the facebook
While I was on a mission trip to LA with my youth group, we spent the afternoons at the Boys & Girls Club of East LA playing with the kids. While lining up to play wallball/handball with a group of them, one little girl turned to me and asked, "Are you in 6th grade?"
"i ain't worried about my house, i got my guitar"
I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.
J. D. Salinger
<sneakums> i bet lukas'd be happy with anything that gets him out of that office
from a news site: "The Aztecs named them "ahuacatl," which means testicle (they do hang from trees in pairs), and believed they had aphrodisiac qualities."
i did have some fresh guacamole packed in the picnic when i proposed to Jackie.
my favorite of all fruits, other than purple "purple's a fruit." Which when I learned the spanish name made guacamole make a lot more sense, it's "avacado sauce" I think it should be bred with the sausage tree of Africa, that would make for an interesting hybrid.
in that article, it tried to say how our word "avocado" came from the spanish word "aguacate" which came from the native "ahuacatl". Now, I don't know about you, but it seems like there's more of a chance that it went straight from "ahuacatl" to "avocado" since there are at least two sounds in "aguacate" that don't appear in the english, and the seeminly foreign sounds in "ahuacatl" make it just sound like the person speaking recently went to the dentist and their mouth is still numb.
here's the article. I didn't think there would be so much interest.
"I had an epiphany a few years ago where I was out at a celebrity party and it suddenly dawned on me that I had yet to meet a celebrity who is as smart and interesting as any of my friends."
- MobyI'm glad Sundance is over.
STEPHEN COLBERT: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof S.U.V.'s out front, could you please move them? They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'s and they need to get out.Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have helped.
By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to celebrate this president. We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book.
Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.
In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible. I said it's a celebration. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all, I believe in this president.
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. Okay, look, folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback.
I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." All right. The president in this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything else in the world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who in this case I guess would be the vice president, he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, cut me!," and every time he falls everyone says, "Stay down! Stay down!" Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end he -- actually, he loses in the first movie.
OK. Doesn't matter. The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.
I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message: that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car!
And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am.
I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true, or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American! I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will. As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know - fiction!
Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!
Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some are heroes: Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. They've all been on my show. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.
See who we've got here tonight. General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.
Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on.
Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
Justice Scalia is here. Welcome, sir. May I be the first to say, you look fantastic. How are you? [After each sentence, Colbert makes a hand gesture, an allusion to Scalia's recent use of an obscene Sicilian hand gesture in speaking to a reporter about Scalia's critics. Scalia is seen laughing hysterically.] Just talking some Sicilian with my paisan.
John McCain is here. John McCain, John McCain, what a maverick! Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. This guy could have used a spoon! There's no predicting him. By the way, Senator McCain, it's so wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the light, sir.
Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess is what I'm describing, a seasonal cookie.
Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god. [looks horrified] Oh, what have I said? I -- Je- minetti (sp?). I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.
And, of course, we can't forget the man of the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name, "Snow Job." Toughest job. What a hero. Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.
Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of course, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card's children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the decision so quickly, sir.
I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns.
In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and with your indulgence, I'd like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.
(that's what i thought bigj wrote at first)
A staunch supporter of the Republican Party and hater of all things derisive and critical of said Party.OK maybe not...
"Most of the time, his head is in the clouds... but sometimes those clouds are near his butt."(as seen on a license plate holder) "I want to be George W. / That bitch has everything!"
We were playing have you ever, and one of my adult volunteers said, 'Have you ever been in the position to give someone first aid?' and her daughter responded, 'Does babysitting count? Cause I hit her really hard?' I almost fell out of my seat laughing.
i think i don't get it. somebody hit somebody when they were babysitting?
The girl, Laura, was babysitting and knocked one of her charges in the head by accident while opening a door... She immediately soothed the crying child, got her ice and tylenol, and that sort of thing. But, what she said about hitting her really hard, well, I think it's funny...
I chuckled so it counts
My kids and I have started a 'pet fund.' We are putting spare change into a piggy bank and will rescue a dog when we get to at least $300. The Captain doesn't think this is such a good idea because of the ongoing costs, extra work, etc. and had this to say "I am a great lover of animals........ but you don't see me going out and getting a pet."
Right now, I'm imagining captain dressed up as st. francis of assisi with birds and animals crawling all over him.
70 year old man's t-shirt: "Connoisseur of the Ta-Tas"70 year old man's girlfriend's t-shirt: "Caught you looking at the Ta-Tas"
Only on Venice beach.
"Flattery is funniest when it is making fun of someone."
There's no such thing as a stupid question, but there are a lot of inquisitive morons out there.
overheard in new york
i don't remember the topic but captain ended up calling g "odd." she insisted that she was not odd and after a few minutes of relative silence she stated "...but i'm not exactly even either."
Don't you just love the ways kids think.
what was captain's reaction to that? he's not exactly an even fellow either.
he laughingly replied "no, no you're not..." and he and i shared a good chuckle with g saying "what?! what's so funny?!"One of the best things about being a parent is those moments when your child's innocence is revealed through some silly or even profound statement like this. unfortunately, they are fewer and farther between the older they get but that just makes them all the more precious and enjoyable......sometimes it's hard to believe that God trusts me with two of His children.
"Rachmaninoff and romance go together like Romeo and Juliet, Catherine and Heathcliff, Scarlett and Rhett. Rachmaninoff's rhapsodic and soulful music is the perfect companion for affairs of the heart. Rachmaninoff for Romance is a romantic soundtrack looking for the ultimate love story--yours!"
You heard it hear first kids. Be sure to reserve your copy today. ;)
"Martian soil appears to contain sufficient nutrients to support life - or, at least, asparagus..."