(null)Created 14 Jan 2006 at 12:25 UTC by pedro, last modified 14 Jan 2006 at 16:43 UTC by pedro.
Notes: This entree is for sharing stories and memories of Cinnamongirl.Grief is important... but it's also important for us to remember Cinn and the stories we have of her while it is still so close to our hearts, so I decided to start this entree now rather than waiting a week while we all sit in silence. I know what helps me is to think of the wonderful soul she was and is.I want to reiterate that this entree is for stories about Cinnamongirl and memories, well-wishes and prayers for the family, etc. as I'm sure they will read this, rather than discussion about the recent events. I encourage you all to talk and process it with one another and I will facilitate that in any way I can; but this is not the right place for that.
About the title:
"Purist" was the pseudonym of Cinnamongirl when she wrote for the Lampost underground poetry journal at NPU... and merc is going to have to explain the jolly rancher reference... she shared that story with us the other night and it gave us big smiles.
We miss you, Cinnamongirl.
If you're new here and would like to contribute to this page, you can create an account here. If you would prefer, you can email your submissions to pedro@tastytronic.net and I will post them for you.
tonight i was blessed to be in heidi's home, surrounded by family and friends - our girl is so beloved! please - if you are able, please share your stories and memories here in her honor. thank you everyone for sending thoughts and prayers and love for the incomparable, exquisite mlle.doyle.
back in the day, maybe my first year or so at NP my parents thought it would be good if i took the train back and forth from home. Anyway, I'd seen cinnamongirl and her sister before, around campus, but I had never really met them. I was riding the train back for Tday and these two really familiar looking girls came walking down the aisle and went right past me...then a few moments later came back and were like "hey, don't you go to np?" So it just happened that we were all on the train together, and each other time i rode it that year as well. We'd spend hours and hours down in the smoking room on the train having the time of our lives. It really made the ride worthwhile.
...was at a party that mlle. had at her place on Olive... I just remember it stretching late into the night sustained by friendship and laughter. Some others of you are probably better qualified to recount it. But I think of it fondly.
"you have the loveliest ginger hair" , pints at the turf, pints at the abby on my twenty first, encouraging words- always, hyperbole master, putting a cigarette burn in that guys fancy clubbing shirt after he insulted her friend . . .
I knew who Cinnamongirl was back when I was an employee of NP, but it wasn't until pedro started the diner that I came to know her. At a redvinegar show she was there and I had planned to meet her face-to-face before she left but I missed my opportunity. It would have been a brief moment in a noisy bar, but I deeply regret that evening. I wish I had more stories and memories to share to contribute to her memory.
If you have the time, I'd love to hear longer versions of those stories...
Over the next few weeks and months I will look forward to reading about memories of cinnamongirl on this website. She loved all of you very much. I told Pedro this morning that I feel as though half of my heart has stopped beating, but I know that I am not the only one who feels such pain and sadness at this time. We share in it together and honor cinnamongirl with the wonderful memories of her life here.I laughed out loud upon being reminded of the cigarette shirt-burning incident and the train smoking car, and her ginger hair. Oscar (our cat) always called her the "Ginga Mick." As some of you know, our kitties all have a distinctive personality and voices (channeled through cinnamongirl and myself of course).
The best time of cinnamongirl's life was in Oxford. She found so many kindred spirits and lifelong soul mates in England, and I have enjoyed going through her pictures and memories of that time.
As I sit in the house we grew up in, I find myself being comforted by the spirit of her here... her sweet letters and cards to my dad, our kitty Josie (who moved out here with Heidi from Chicago, tranqed on doggie downers, which brought us a laugh, "hers was weally doped out"), the sweet smell on her clothes (which never do seem to lose the lingering sent of a combination of 3, 4 or 10 different perfum mixtures-depending on the day), her Van Gogh pictures, her eclectic mix of CDs, our childhood pictures, the Kermit-the-Frog doll she received when she had open heart surgery when we were five (which is worn to the threads from us playing with), our dollhouse, her books, her journals (which remain untouched), her favorite accesory (a green scarf from my dad at Christmas). There's so many memories of her here, which brings me great comfort.
I'm so grateful that cinnamongirl had so many wonderful and truly beautiful friends. I hope that I can remain connected to you all through our love for Heidi. She was unique and the world will never be the same without her presence.
i knew Cinnamongirl here on the diner and only ever met her for real once. it was funny how that happened. at the time i had been persuing a relationship with a friend of mine and occaisionally wrote about it in my diner diary. Cinnamongirl was always very encouraging of that. my friend tara (now girlfriend) and i were at a redvinegar show at goose island. tara struck up a conversation with the girl next to her at the table and talked for a few minutes before i caught wind of the fact that her name was heidi. i introduced myself as inkblot and reintroduced tara as my friend and i remember watching her face as she mentally connected all the dots (you're the one who wants to date your friend; you're here with a friend; she's a girl; she's the one; you're on a date!). other than what's preserved here on the diner for posterity, i remember how she said all that with just a smile.
pete's jolly rancher reference does bring a smile to my face, through the tears. erik and aaron definitely will remember this, when we discovered during our time in oxford that our cinnamongirl had quite a sweet-tooth. hyde and i were roommates with bunkbeds and on many occasions, after the lights were out and goodnights were said, i would hear the unmistakable crinkling of candy wrappers in the bottom bunk. truth be known, hyde loved to pop a few jolly ranchers into her mouth during the night - it was so cute...and so heidi. we think she would pack them into her cheeks like a little squirrel, wedging them inbetween her top and bottom molars - savoring the flavor all through the night. we laughed so much about that, and i loved it in the morning when i found wrappers on the ground next to our bunkbeds. sweet girl...
...and who can forget the time that Hyde complained about her boss at the synagogue -- but she used the synagogue's name and her boss found out about it! I'd love to show you the complaints she left behind, but she had me delete them. In the end, she didn't lose her job! That to me is a classic, classic Diner moment.
portrait by OutsideInfluence
Pete--oh no. My boss was googling her anme and somehow came across her name on the Diner--I have no idea what I wrote and am really freaked out. Her name is R4bbi He4ther Altm4n. I don't even want to go back and look, to see if it was bad. Though I don't think it would've been as I do like her. Is there any way you can wipe out my entire diary? I am really freaked out right now--I hope I don't get fired.Of course none of this is your fault--I am an idiot and just sort of in shock right now. I love the Diner and will just be more careful what I write from now on. Thanks--Heidi
"Speaking of bread: as some may know, I am the assistant to the lovely R4bbi He4ther Altm4n at a Chicago synagogue. No, I have not converted (yet), but one thing which could convert anyone (vegans aside): Hebrew National beef hot dogs. That's what's for lunch here today. Yum. Several years ago, at a Cubs game, none but Pedro himself pointed out to me that their slogan is, "We Answer to a Higher Authority." We all had a good laugh over that one. "
I was at North Park with Heidi but, like many of you, don't feel like I really came to know her well until we met again on the diner. However, in addition to my belief that she attended some garbage can softball games in River Park, I have one memory about her that I'm sure many of you would like to hear... The year that I was the editor of the North Branch, Heidi submitted three poems (maybe more, but I could only print three). They were excellent, but I was concerned that the school officials (who were feeling sort of ornery and banning all sorts of student expression at the time) wouldn't approve of her artistic use of profanity in an untitle one that began "Me a little girl stepped on a spider". Dooley was the North Branch's faculty advisor, so I went to him to ask him what to do--he said that her poem was the best one in the book, and that I should just write a forward about creative expression and print it anyway. I agreed with him--it was the best poem in that North Branch. I bet she would have gotten a kick out of Dooley saying that.
i haven't been living at home, or anywhere with computer access for a week. and i won't be for a while. but i heard while on my bachelor party in mexico from BigJ, and i was floored.cinnamon was a feisty sweetheart. just a fun loving girl who always had generous, sweet, smart things to say to anyone she met. i always enjoyed her company, and she will be sorely missed - by myself, everyone here, and those who knew her. i will be praying for her family.
today i was thinking about how i will be writing about her in some way or another for the rest of my life. i really do believe that.
Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me bring love. Where there is injury, let me bring pardon. Where there is discord, let me bring union. Where there is doubt, let me bring faith. Where there is error, let me bring truth. Where there is despair, let me bring hope. Where there is sadness, let me bring joy. Where there is darkness, let me bring light.O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
I have much to say in here...but for now, let it be known that what merc has repeated is the famous prayer written by said St. Francis of Assisi.And blvd, as usual, is right. That *was* the best damn poem in the North Branch.
I'd never met Heidi face to face, but we corresponded here and over email, enough that I really felt I knew her. She always made me feel so welcome, and she was so sweet when we talked in emails, and it really saddens me that I never got a chance to meet her. I intended to, when I was to Chicago again, but I never made that happen and I really, really wish I had. She was a beautiful spirit. It feels kind of funny, writing this about someone you never met face to face, but you don't have to meet someone I suppose to know the quality of their heart.I will pray for her friends and family, that everyone find peace in the wake of this tragedy.
As some of you know, Heidi and I kept a record of every crazy thing one of us or one of our friends said throughout our time at North Park and afterwards. We recorded our observations in "The Book of Strikes." We were always quick to point out a strike.Unfortunately, we let it fall to the wayside in the past few years, but going through it recently has brought me great joy in laughter.
I want to share some of the strikes to bring back memories some of you may have had...
(In England)
Erik: "It must be so easy to write pornography. All you have to say at the end is, "And then they f---ed." Heidi: Yeah!- It's kind of like, 'dildo ex machina!"
Aaron (watching Heidi, Charles and Leif slam a pint outside the GogShop on a curb): "You guys look homeless, except you're dressed nice and stuff, so you're not really homeless."
Sara Jane: "Heidi, I love your hair. It's perfect hippie hair. Hey, are you a hippie?"
Leif (re: Madame Tussard's): "Wax people are so much better than real people."
Heidi: "I got hit by a bus in Oxford nearly everyday!" (meaning to say, "I nearly got hit by a bus everyday").
Charles: "You know, it's really hard to smoke and breathe at the same time."
Laura: "What's the most important thing you've learned in Oxford, you guys?" Erik (proudly wielding a spatula): "I can leave England being a cooker of eggs!"
(Random Heidi [and some other people] Strikes)
Heidi (looking at my copy of the Klingon Hamlet with Toby): "It's just so damned hoss. F--king William Shakespeare translated into f---ing Klingon." Toby: "Nicely Put!"
Heidi: "Is Cuba Golding Jr. black?" Chad: "Of course he is, idiot." Heidi: "Well, I thought he might be, like, Cuban."
Heidi (talking to Oscar, our cat): "Oscar, get off of the counter if you want me to feed you. Eat on the floor like a normal human being."
Heidi: "This song is so hoss. Because it sucks." Sarah: It's not even music- it's just... stupid s--t."
Heidi (after getting toothpaste in her eye): "Ouch!! But it made my eye feel minty."
Chris: "Crack isn't a drug- it's more like... a rock." Heidi: "Yeah! I'm not a crack-head, I'm a geologist."
Heidi: "Do Doloreans really fly?"
Julia: "How do deaf people get each other's attention?" Heidi: "I guess they just sign really loud."
Heidi: "It's like the fox who cried wolf!"
Heidi (looking at a huge, cement dam on a t.v. documentary): "What is that? Lisa: "A Dam." Heidi: "That the beavers built?"
Heidi (after arriving in Chicago for the first time): "This Chicago place is really big. There's, like, a forest over there."
I had forgotten the joys of hearing many things declared Hoss by H.Doyle!I remember "The Manuscript" that hemingstein found in an Oxford trashbin in the churchyard where hem, cinn, merc and myself (with a few others) would sit at night and read Dorian Gray under the lamposts with some tall cans (how poetic! I think this poetic tradition, lasted, what, three chapters!?). And we would pass "The Manuscript" clandestinely into one another's possession at the most inoportune, dangerous times given the nature of T.M. and that we were going to a program that wanted to deport us for smoking cigarettes. I remember cinn had a great pass to, I think, merc that involved our programs director (who was most definitely, and declaredly, Hoss)? Merc, Hem, do you remember the details?
I also remember Heidi and I going to a potlock Thanksgiving dinner, and with both of us being shite cookers, we decided to make some kind of sweet potato/marshmellow dish that H. had enjoyed at one time. Well the only marshmellows we could find were the little rainbow colored ones, and instead of adding them at the end, we put them in right away. It looked like we had cooked Bozo the clown in a pumpkin sauce, tasted even worse, and was touched by no one and we laughed about it for weeks. I have a great photo of that Bozo casserole somewhere.
And Heidi was the first person to 'truly' submit a poem to the lampost. Moloch and Riboflavin were so jazzed to find an envelope with two f'cking amazing poems, better and truer than anything we would ever write, along with two dollars to support the cause. That is the only money the lampost ever made, and that envelope is how I really got to know Heidi, and how fitting, as the envelope contained two things she herself overflowed with - art, and kindness.
i enjoy Heidi more everytime i read a post here...and now i'm wishing i had done more than just said hi in passing once or twice. i'm not even sure she knew who i was but when i was told the news what surprised even me was how much i knew of Heidi just from this place....i think it was bigj who recently thanked pedro for its existence and i second that here as one who, only through this place, was able to have a glimpse of a soul beloved by so many.Heidi and all of you are in my heart and prayers.
I never met her in person, but wow.
Some of my fondest memories of Heidi were when I visited her in Chicago last year. Throughout our friendship, we were separated by distance. I'm a southerner, living in Georgia, and she, of course, was a northern gal. We met on the Natalie Merchant bulletin board. She loved Natalie even more than I do. But we became close friends, even though we had to conduct our friendship via email and telephone. So while I have many memories of her (which are thankfully saved in literally hundreds of emails) my most vivid ones are from when I visited her.Those of you in the Chicago area may remember that heavy snow last February. Yeah...my visit just happened to coincide with that exactly. But though I was physically frozen the whole weekend, I loved the warmth of finally being around my best friend. Our first physical encounter, we shared one of those precious 'Heidi moments.' I called her from my cell to tell her I was at the Delta baggage claim. She said she'd be there shortly. I waited...waited. She called me and said she was at baggage claim, at the number I told her. I looked around; I saw no short, cute redheaded girl. I asked her, "Umm...love, are you sure?" She said, "Yeah. I'm right here at the American Airlines baggage claim." I said, "American Airlines?" She said, "Yeah...oh crap! I'll be at Delta in a minute!" That's a hilarious memory I'll never forget.
We had a wonderful weekend, and I got to meet her wonderful friends and her sister, who accepted and welcomed me. (Something quite appreciated considering I was technically just some dude she met online.) We obviously couldn't go out much due to the snow, but it was of no matter to me. Just being around my friend was enough. One night, we sat around and I played guitar while Heidi sang Natalie songs. Playing those songs will never be the same for me and will always bring simultaneous sadness and joy.
But one of my favorite parts of the entire weekend was when we went outside to play in the snow. I had never been in that thick of snow and wanted to see what it was like. So we bundled up and went out in it. We had entirely too much fun throwing snowballs at each other. And she really wanted to make a snow angel. So she laid back in a huge drift in the front of her apartment and attempted one. I have a photo of her lying there with a huge grin on her face, in snow that was at least two feet deep. It's utterly precious.
I have many, many memories of my beautiful friend. But that's one of the ways I want to remember her. Childlike. Happy. A playmate. Able to find amusement in the face of harsh circumstances. She was like that.
I'll always love my snow angel. And I know you guys love her too. I can't quite find the words to say just how much I miss her...
Laura pointed out to me today something that many people have brought up time and time again in the past few days: Heidi's loyalty. Heidi was the most fiercely loyal person I have ever known, and probably ever will know.If ANYBODY (mom, dad, aunt, uncle, hoss kid at school, customer service rep.) ever, ever said or did anything that hurt or damaged me in some way, they might as well have done the same to Heidi. She would stand up to anybody or anything for me and she would also do the same for her friends, much more so than she even would have for herself.
It genuinely hurt Heidi, deep inside, if one of her friends or family was hurting for any reason. And if there was nothing in her power that she could do to ease their pain, she would carry the burden on her shoulders with them, just so she could try to lighten the weight of their load.
Perhaps it was because Heidi felt so deeply and had such a sensitive soul that it was her time to go from this Earth. One so young and beautifully sensitive can only carry the weight of the world on her shoulders for so long.
We love you Heidi. And I miss you with all of my heart.
one of my greatest heidi moments of all time (other than the great sohlberg hall chase....which sadiegirl can tell much better...) was the very first day i met her. she had to stay with us in the spanish house for about a week before the spring, 97 semester. i had already fallen in love with sadiegirl and couldn't wait to meet her heidi.so i walked in the bedroom (i think it was m. hayden's or tammy q's) and see heidi crooning into a hairbrush a jewel song. her eyes were closed and she was so into it and i couldn't help but just watch and smile. funny how my biased memory told me originally that it was natalie merchant song--but as i sit here thinking--i know it wasn't. it was jewel...pieces of you. i don't remember exactly what i said but it was something along the lines of her being just a touch different than i had expected. she was totally uninhibited and confident and hilariously funny from the second i met her. now that i'm actually thinking about that day and how i was like her first hello to npu, i laugh to think that one of the first things i said to break the ice was a question about the fire crotch myth. she barely blinked and shrugged like i was an idiot for asking--yet never assumed, judged, or made me feel intellectually inferior (even though i knew i was..). whenever i wanted to vent, confess, or really misbehave--heidi was there. i miss her and kick myself for assuming she would always be accessible.
1000 words: smaller version larger version
peter and i have been talking a lot tonight, and we both agree - wholeheartedly - that we know a lot of smart people, always have - but we both always have known and always will know that heidi is the smartest.
When Mercurymouth came out to Colorado for the celebration of Heidi's life, she and her family made copies of that beautiful picture of Heidi with her poetry on it, and everyone at the celebration was able to take one of those cards to remember Heidi by. It's so beautiful, and you did such a wonderful job.I look at that everyday and smile. Thank you so much.
When I return to Chicago, I am going to work with the English Dept. and some others at NPU to organize a service for Heidi there. I will let everybody know when we have it all worked out.
Heidi is surely tickled by that high praise from peter and laura! She WAS so intelligent! I always called her the "smart twin," which made her upset, because she felt I was criticizing myself.
But she obviously had a rare intelligence and insight into the world. I am so happy that you wrote that about Hyde!
Me a little girl stepped on a spider
and I cried because I killed her
(the spider not the girl)
so mom slapped me and said shutup
and hurt her little girl
with open mouth and uncomprehending eyes
folding silently into secret self like a plucked flower
f---ed up f---ed over and left to wilt
mom was always arachniphobic
thank you so much, amy. i'm so glad you did that. and anyone with any other heidi poems or pictures - please post them - that would be great. also - if there are any poems or prayers or songs that you are listening to that are helping you - please share, that would help a lot, i think.
i know i have been listening to a lot of tom waits and that really helps me to hear him - thank you pete for making my collection so much bigger and better in one night. when he sings i really believe what he is saying.
Oh man, I laughed and laughed and laughed when I read that post about overzealous RAs. I don't know how, but I totally forgot about that incident... I haven't thought about it for YEARS.When Heidi got busted for drinking in another friend's dorm room by an "overzealous RA" (LOL), she was SO pist! The funniest part about it was the univ. threatening to send a letter to my dad. He laughed when he got it.
But the shitty part for Heidi was that she couldn't check anyone into our room in Olson (actually, her room, we had singles that year). So we just checked all of the guests in on my I.D., lol. NP really had that system locked down, huh?
Oh, that is too funny. She was so pist off b/c the task force that busted her was going through Dan's peanut butter looking for the chronic, HA! Heidi was so absolutely astounded/amused/bewildered by the peanut butter search. At the time she was like, "Dude. Peanut butter? What the f?" Oh, that is so funny Pedro. I'm so glad that you wrote that- that really brought a smile to my face.
It's so funny how God works, isn't it? How at the time, Heidi was so wicked pist off about that, but in later years it was such a source of amusement and laughter.
peanut butter... i totally have no recollection of looking in a jar of peanut butter. i found it in a pack of cigarettes in his guitar amp... barely enough to make a joint.
what about how hyde was an R.A.???!!! (best R.A. ever, hands down)
margarita's anyone??
Pedro- I remember Heidi talking about the guitar amp., and she went on and on about the peaunt butter, but I'm not sure if that was you. There may have been another RA in the room that was concerned about the peanut butter. She used to say, "Dude, they were digging through the peanut butter even. It was so hoss."In the summer of '99 Heidi was an RA in Burgh, that was funny Laura! That was the summer of our 21st b-day and the summer that Heidi and I stayed in Chicago. Every other summer we went home to work at Oppenheimerfunds as interns. We got lucky b/c our dad works there and was always able to get us good jobs.
I was never much of a drinker, and on the night of our 21st I overdid it and I was in bad, bad shape. This was rather ironic, as I was always the one who took care of everyone else who overdid it, lol. After the party at the Abbey my dad took us back to Burgh, and while Heidi and my dad were walking me up the stairs I got a bit sick, and Heidi said, "Dad, I think that Sarah probably shouldn't be here tonight. She could get into be trouble if one of the RAs wants to be hoss. We can't be intoxicated on campus." (and she was an RA, lol).
So, because of Heidi, I went back with my dad to his hotel room and had the most miserable night of my life, ha ha. My dad brought me back the next morning (his plane was leaving that afternoon) and Heidi took care of me the next day in my and Vanessa's room in Burgh. Since Heidi was an RA she had her own room of course.
It's strange to think that for the rest of my life Heidi won't physically be here for anymore of our birthdays. I'll always remember our 21st and 22nd birthdays with fondness. Those were the most fun.
The 22nd bday was at our apt. in Chicago on Olive (right after we graduated). A lot of people were there, and this is the bday that Pedro was talking about. That was a fun one. Oscar (the craziest cat that anyone ever had) was just a kitten and there were so many people and laughter and love in that apt. that night. We really had a great bday that year. I will try to get some pictures up of that. Heidi was wearing a red dress with flowers on it (that she inherited from me, lol) and I was wearing a blue halter top dress. And Megan brought mardi gras beads and a lot of us were wearing those beads. I remember it like it was last week.
Heidi always appreciated and loved having such wonderful friends.
...was me. I don't know if someone else looked in the peanut butter, but I'm the guy who preciptated the whole thing and found it in the amp. Hoss!
the amp! ha! i remember we were all going, "who the f would check an amp????" noone ever checks the tampon box *wink*
sarah--was your 22nd the birthday with the thunderstorm and power outage? that was a good one!
Pedro, I was your back-up on that one, but I didn't check anything. I just stood there and watched you methodically check everywhere....
well, i'm nothing if not methodical.
...that you were my backup!
The party where Joe Stefanovich was holding court in the corner of the living room and there were like 80 people outside on the wooden back porch (in the days when wooden porches could *TAKE* the weight, consarnit) ....I remember a party in the apartment several blocks north of Ashland & Foster...but the chronology is wrong. When is the Doyle birthday? 22 would make it 2001, and I spent all of 2001 in Deutschland..
I'm confused...so, everything is normal.
that was indeed the unforgettable back porch party. i think it was right before you left.
maybe it was right after you got back
Our birthday is on June 28, 1978, so the party must have been around the mid-end of June, 2000. I remember we had this cooler made of styrofoam that split and busted open in the kitchen, there was ice everyhere. I think that was the party where the lights went out, later on in the night? That was a lot of fun. That was a great apt., Heidi and I loved that place.
i am stating the obvious - you know you were there - what i meant to say is - i have pictures of you there, i have such great pictures from that night, i need to go through them and will scan them for people. sorry i keep being confusing, my mind is not working properly today.
is so unforgettable to me. i bet it is unforgettable to oscar too because remember when he jumped off of it???
but I guess you can only read here..
[waitin' for a superman]
I asked you a question but I didn't need you to reply. is it getting heavy?? but then I realized..is it getting heavy?? well I though it was already as heavy as can be. is it overwhelming to use a crane to crush a fly?? a good time for a superman to lift the Sun into the sky.. cause it's getting heavy, well I thought it was already as heavy as can be..tell everybody waitin' for a superman that they should try to hold on as best they can..he hasn't dropped them, forgot them or anything..it's just to heavy for a superman to lift.
[by the flaming lips]
I wish I had much other words to write, especially because heidi, as the poet/writer,is extraordinary..when you attempt writing poetry, you often find, within a day or a week or another phase later, that you can't fully say what you thought you could. often you discover what you considered earlier to be true - that is, your poems kind of suck.. at least, that is how I feel about my own attempts..we should all keep trying, of course, because you discover a lot in your attempts...looking back at old Lamposts, well, i knew even then that alot of my submissions were a joke...and now I see they all were, but you try and fail and try again..but erik [said earlier] was right...heidi was the first to submit, and it was genius..and every week I looked forward to getting a new verse from 'purist'.. I would track laura down, because she was [and still is always] obsessed with purist's poetry..and now, I can't barely think of words that make any sense to type..I'm still trying and failing..and there aren't any lamposts coming out with new poems by purist..oh, she's still writing, of course..living here on earth she was walking poetry, comic and slicing perceptive and invigorating..but genuine always, first and foremost, which is what poetry HAS to be..and she can't ever stop being that..
thank you so much for writing that. all of the sudden my eyes felt bigger and my hands felt stronger.
I had to constantly convince heidi that I would sleep perfectly well in the clothes i had on, with no blanket or pillow, on the floor...that's how awesome that party was..
Raskol- I have a picture of you from that party where you are TOTALLY (around your head to your toes) wrapped up in Heidi's purple checkered quilt, looking like you are ready to "sleep perfectly well in the clothes (you) had on, with no blanket[except for the purple quilt perhaps, lol] or pillow, on the floor." Heidi LOVED that Laura and You were there... and that it was such a fun, care-free, awesome time. God is letting us remember these times so vividly so we can take comfort in these recollections. Like Laura said, I've had a hard time thinking very clearly lately, but I will try to scan and post these pics asap.I love you all. Thank You for your memories. they sustain me and comfort me more than you all can know.
heid won that argument, the quilt was used. And it was perfection. I haven't been the most accomplished sleeper in life, poor enough that I can readily remember the truly good nights of sleep I've had, ever. And that night was defintely one. after roaming in and out of your apartment, from the porch to the ground back up, through the kitchen, down to the hardwood floors for sleeping. It is impossible to encounter heidi and not feel loved. What is the point to our living beyond that? it's all plans and attempts and trials, but the true defining actions in all our days is to love those that we are blessed to meet. beyond declarations of hoss or letting loose the fiery temper, heidi loved everything, hoped for everyone, forgave anything, and wanted love in all things for all things.
It's been a bittersweet experience reading all the stories about Heidi. Most of you have probably known her for much longer than I have, and yet I can't help but feel a tremendous sense of loss, as if I've known Heidi all my life. She was unlike anyone I have ever met before, and unlikely to meet again. Heidi spoke a lot about her family and her friends; so much, that I felt like I've gotten to know many of you personally, without ever meeting or talking with you in person. Heidi had so much love and appreciation for all the people in her life...Of course, I had experienced my share of the unforgettable "Heidi moments" during the relatively-short 4 months that we were together. For example, she would always lose her house keys in the depths of her over-stuffed purse. I would ask her why she didn't just always put them in the same pocket so that she would know where to find them, and she would reply with a smile "Oh honey, because that would make too much sense." It made me laugh, and I adored Heidi for such cute little moments. It was so her. And in the end, she always found the things she thought she'd lost. It became almost a tradition. "Oh my god, I lost my wallet!" And after about 5 minutes of searching: "Oh wait, here it is!"
I think the tremendous depth of my connection to Heidi reflected in an instance when I absent-mindedly used the word "Hoss" to describe something to my co-worker. He gave me a strange look, as if saying "What the hell are you talking about?" I just laughed, realizing that I've been using that word so much, that I have forgotten that most people outside of Heidi's circle of friends and family have no idea what it means.
Words cannot describe how much I miss Heidi. I know we all do, and sharing our experiences here is both heartwarming and therapeautic. Thank you so much for being here.
Booy-a-kashaDo any of you watch Ali G? I know that some of you do- and those of you know that Heidi LOVED, LOVED, LOVED that show. And I have to say, I do too. My dad and Cindy and I were able to watch Ali G together, a lot last week b/c Tom sent us the dvds to Colorado.
IT was SO healing for us! My dad and Cin had never seen Da Ali G show before, and they were cracking up, and we were all genuinely laughing our hearts out. It was such a healing gift- the gift of laughter that was brought to us by Heidi. I had never even HEARD of Ali G before she convinced me to watch it!
The first time I ever watched it with her we had a high school friend (Anne) visiting us in Chicago. Anne, Heidi and I watched the roundtable episode about 'techmology' and I was hooked. If you guys haven't seen it, you really should. Everytime I watch Ali G it makes me think of Heidi's laughter and her carefree spirit!
All pictures of me, unless accompanied by a Doyle, should be sent to the Central Intelligence Agency. Especially if Grandpa D@hlin is also in the pictyure.And sadie, got your card today. Much thoughtfulness.
1 2 3the infamous party
Hello, Heidi's friends and now current admirer's of her soul. Thank you for letting me join from afar, a kindred spacey soul, full of love, full of soul, full of foreverness. Missing money, keys and wallets, is inherited. NEVER losing them is also inherited. Our inherent genius comes soley (soully) from the other side. Heidi's love came from what is real, and sometimes losing sight of the illusions that humans call reality. My neice, cinnamon girl, known to me as Heidi Mouse, is a spiritual giant and a human innocent. A beauty, to be sure. I love all of you for loving her. Thank you, beautiful free spirits all of you. "Heidi"Fire head to toe, red spirit of life, Fire, hearts burning, souls happy, bodies unable to tolerate the heat. Fire, love from God, fire of eternity, Fire shared by the ancient ones, given as love, So that others may never grow cold..............
from Aunt Lynne I humbly thank you for being you. as Heidi would..
So was I once myself a swinger of birches; And so I dream of going back to be. It's when I'm weary of considerations, And life is too much like a pathless wood Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs Broken across it, and one eye is weeping From a twig's having lashed across it open. I'd like to get away from earth awhile And then come back to it and begin over. May no fate wilfully misunderstand me And half grant what I wish and snatch me away Not to return. Earth's the right place for love: I don't know where it's likely to go better. I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree, And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more, But dipped its top and set me down again. That would be good both going and coming back. One could do worse than be a swinger of birches. -Robert Frost, "Birches"
(and i know this is selfish, because heaven is where you are, and you are in its splendors - but, i wish we had a birch tree that would work.
My grieving is selfish, I know,..because I do want to come to chicago and see heidi..but she moved to colorado, and then moved to heaven...I would like to swing up there and sit for a spell...there's another CD i have to give her, and other stories of the california missions and crazy church history to make her laugh a little...and I send things up in prayer...but, to be honest, I really really want more for the tangible and the time conscious...and I'm trying hard to grasp the beyond time..but I'm so stuck in now, to a fault...but heidi is laughing a little at the trials and attempts, because everything is done just to say hello again..
Friend,
losing you has made friendship, life,
comprehensible, or more so, at least,
since some things still swirl.
Things have been new lately.
Acute, like things seen
after leaving a dark room.
Acute, even though these things are the same old same.
I guess I love the same old same.
I just didn't know how much.
Distance, inevitable, as we all move,
makes my heart grow fonder, bigger,
and makes me wonder how my heart
could've ever been lean enough
to live so casually through
these memories, which taken together,
have swelled my heart so, made it huge,
clumsy and huge,
amazing me by its fullness.
clueing me in to the elasticity of love.
that is great. thank you so much for posting it. i keep reading it at work when people aren't looking at me.
Mercurymouth- so am I, lol! Can't stop reading it! My boss just came in and I had to close it really quick. I hate work. I despise 8th graders too (one of whom laughed yesterday when I told them about losing my twin, my Heidi). Can you believe that? Some of them are so incredibly sweet and some of them are monsters! Heidi would have been like, "Lets kick that hoss b-----ds a--! Then, another kid in the class(bless his heart) said, "What the f is wrong with you? Shut the f up!"One time I was dealing with this REALLY hoss situation at work (my old school in CPS, and most of you know about this story), and as usual, Heidi was SO sympathetic and as much (if not more upset) about it than I was. There was this insane a-hole kid who had an equally insane a-hole mom and they were threatening to sue me because I'm "racist." It was such a farce. This kid had threatened to kill me twice, and she was just mad because I finally made a police report.
Heidi was just FURIOUS!!! She was so sweet about it and was truly trying to plot and think of ways that she could get rid of him from my life. She started sending me job posts that would come into NPU EVERY DAY!!! She would call my cell phone at work to let me know about job opps, etc. It was so sweet. She wanted me to get out of that job so, so bad. And she did more than ME to find another job for me.
Heidi's giving, loving, loyal and wonderful spirit just permeates me constantly and sustains me. Everytime I have a hard time at work I will always remember her going to the bat for me always, and know that she is probably (like raskol said) laughing! :)
And P.C.- there is NO such thing as selfish grief!! Never. Never let yourself believe that. We'll all be going through such horrible feelings of pain, lonliness, sadness, etc. these next few months, years, forever. And we deserve to. Heidi is not with us anymore, and that is a real, tangible, legitimate pain.
One last thing I need to mention- I have seen SO much love, kindess, wonderful warm and amazing feelings from the human spirit these past few weeks. That is another gift from God and Heidi that we have to let comfort us as we grieve. We need to accept that love and let it blanket us in white light when it comes.
Hi everyone. Thank you for letting us come on this site and share about Heidi...I think she would have been pretty pleased to see a lot of her friends from different ends of the spectrum talking. Sadiegirl, thanks for your nice note and picture. That was the night I got the diorama. :) I guess I'll just dive right in to a couple of memories. We all know what a beautiful soul Heidi had...how she would make you feel more special than you felt about yourself at the moment, and how she would really LISTEN to you when you talked, and help you work through and analyze your little problems. At the same time, we had the most ridiculous joke together that we were two members of an Indian TRIBE. I'm laughing as I'm writing this...she was Larry of the Prairie, and I was Harry...the origins of the names are ridiculous...we had a special hand wave, and a special saying: AFT: "Anything for the Tribe" and RIP: "Roam in Peace." For one of Larry's birthday, I got her a marionette Indian puppet that we named "Barry," and for one of my bdays she made me a diorama from scratch, a full display of plastic cowboy and Indian toys fighting each other over a ground layout of the American flag, with a standing poem attached. In honor of Larry and of the Tribe, I must include a few of her choice lines: We were forced onto the barren reservation Which the White Man refers to as "preservation"- Of native culture, our ways and our tribe But we know those are the White Man's lies. Still, hope lives in Harry and Larry and when Elders take power, the result is scary.As her dad said to me after we joked about the tribe, "She's in God's tribe now." Love you Larry
thank you so much for sharing that completely hilarious and unforgettable joke. i remember one time spending the night at heidi + sarah's, and waking up to see that terrifying puppet on the dresser or something - in the moonlight. that joke is the stuff of legends. you guys are awesome.
HOW Harry.
Thank you so much, Merc for your kind words...Barry, though he completed what we called our "trinity" (totally sac, I know) was indeed a terrifying warrior. Sadie, HOW to you too... :) and don't even worry about finding them...I knew they probably weren't around anymore...the memory is good enough, and they can ROAM their way into a new home...ha ha...you guys were always so patient with the tribe and our ridiculous lingo! I'm just glad I can treasure the diorama. :)
dear heidi, you always had my favorite hair of anyone i have ever known, long and thick and full of cinnamon.
I completely agree..whether it was blow-dried straight or curly, Heidi's hair was gorgeous.
Oops...that was me...AFT...under my brother's login somehow!
When Heidi and I were really little people used to come up to my mom and say, "Isn't she a little bit young for you to be dying her hair?"When we were older people used to come up to Heidi and say, "What COLOR do you use? It's just beautiful!" Sometimes women didn't even BELIEVE her when she told them that it was her natural hair color.
When we were in high school Heidi went through her "goth" stage and dyed her hair dark black, lol. My dad was pretty liberal and let us do what we wanted in those matters, but he always was pretty confused about why she wanted to do it. :) Heidi and I used to get so indignant when people would say, "What were you THINKING?" Our general answer was usually, "It looks cool! You don't know what you're talking about!" In retrospect, what were we thinking??? LOL!
i always think of heidi when I see that 'miranda and the tempest' painting, looking out at the raging see with hair thick and volcanic tossing in the winds...that color [which I called pentecostal red]is so indicative of the fiery soul contained in that skin, flames alit, ever-ready for the fanning of passion...so perfect.
I officially put raskol and this forum on notice that I'm perpetrating an outright act of thievery (straight up, yo...) and stealing the "pentecostal red" description...for my own attempt to write something for the memories of heidi.
peter already used it! (it's in a song...) you gotta come up with something yourself, and i know you can...you are a wordsmith! (man, peter - when i first read that from you, i wish i had written it myself, too)
If anybody has any pics of Heidi that they would like me to display at her memorial service at NPU, please let me know and I will make copies or them/scan them (I will just borrow them from you and return them). That would be great! :)
pete could we have a place on the diner to post pictures of hyde - so sarah can just click and drag, and also we can all just share (the many) great photos of her. is that possible? i was just thinking about that - would it take up too much space?
it's true I'm trying to tie that red in a song [words words words fail fail fail]..but maybe you can use it... and anyone can use it... and if everyone uses it, it will be just heidi's...her hair is like no one else's [without product help] so maybe use it... and here I'll say everyone use it...I don't mind, I don't mind...but I know you can come up with more choices...uses them all...we need to make a book of poems, not just one...
A quick, funny story I remembered... One night Sarah and Heidi and my sister, Jenny, and I were hanging out at my house and we started talking smack (as Heidi would say) about someone... it really wasn't anything too bad, but then out of nowhere Heidi chimes in saying, ``Yeah, So and So is such an 'anathema'''... To which we fell silent for a second, staring at each other... and we're all like, what's an ANATHEMA??? Who uses that obscure word when just talking a little smack about someone??? Anyway, we looked it up in my dictionary and found it to mean, ``a person or thing detested''... We laughed for a while at how ridiculously harsh a word that was for the context of what we were talking about... and Heidi didn't even mean it to be... but that's what made it so funny... Only Heidi would pull a word out like that... and be able to get away with it...
that is a classic heidi story.
i keep coming here and typing up quick stories of good times, getting halfway through and realizing that i don't remember the whole thing, just that I don't have any memories of being around her where we weren't happy and laughing, or even if we started off being sullen, we always ended up with smiles on our faces.
Here is a friend of Heidi's from high school remembering the time she spent with Heidi:I remember first meeting Heidi sophomore year in Forensics (speech class). We immediately hit it off. She was so funny, unique, and one of the smartest people I had ever met - she was constantly using words I had never heard before - I called her a "walking thesaurus."
We would make one another laugh for hours. After school, we used to the Doyles' house, out to the backyard, and sit under the gazeebo. We would pretend to be white trash neighbors. I would call her Pam and she would call me Trish. We would make up funny stories about our lazy out-of-work husbands and each of our ten kids . . .
I remember Heidi hardly ever wore pants in high school, she said they "restricted her" so she was always wearing long peasant-like skirts, which she was forever tripping over . . . she was constantly sewing up holes in them from tripping. It was more than comical.
At school she would often be putting on make-up. Her make-up usually consisted of bright blue eye shadow on her eyelids and then on her lips - her blue eyelids and matching lips would forever crack me up - she was just so unique and funny, and could careless what others thought of her eccentric make-up.
Some of my fondest high school memories were spent at the Doyles'. Their house was so warm and filled with love. Sarah and Heidi are just great people. Tom was the kind of dad I wished I had had. Heidi was one of the best friends I've ever had in my life and I feel privileged to have known her.
Heidi's infectious laugh, bright eyes, and enormous grin are forever etched in my memory
Heidi went OUT OF HER WAY to not get a long with the 'jocks,' which wasn't too difficult actually. They were mostly all morons (at our high school). Heidi did not suffer their stupidity and rudness kindly, lol. One time in Chemistry class Heidi and I and another one of our good friends (Chad) were sitting through a lecture when this piece of paper came down to our end of the room. It had a lot of signatures on it. At the top it it read: "This is a patition. Please sign this patition so that we can wear hats in school." (this was obviously a jock-generated piece of garbage. It came around and I looked at it and passsed it down to Heidi, covering my mouth to keep the jocks from seeing my laughter (I actually, like the self conscious high school student, was concerned about how others viewed me. I always envied Heidi's self-identity and independence- she didn't care AT ALL what anyone thought about her). Heidi read it over one time and whipped a pen out of her backpack and started to write all over it. At the top and down the side, in ink and rather large letters she wrote: "I don't know what a 'PATITION' is. If you mean 'petition,' you might want to start over. But since this is so stupid anyway, I wouldn't bother." Then she showed Chad and passed it back down the row. I have to admit, I was laughing my ass off, but at the same time fearful. Not Heidi... it was so terribly funny. They always tried to 'get to her,' but she was so infalliable to their idiocy. LOL, I always remember that about her. I hope my kids are like that.
i keep putting comments in the wrong place... anyway..i was remembering this morning how heidi ran cross country. i remember always wanting to do something extracurricularly (sp?) at np but always felt inadequate. gospel choir was the only thing i did, come to think of it. but when heidi joined cross country...goodness...we were like...huh? so random! but then it wasn't random...it was so like heidi to do that. it's not like she joined some frisbee IM team, no-had to be cross country. we used to joke...now that i'm thinking about how we both liked to smoke after our events (her meets and my concerts) just for the contrast. (or spite...in retrospect : )
when I visited oxford while a troupe of poets including heidi and laura and erik and aaron were studying there, the first night at the pub [which I was so distessed to discover closed at ten pm!] heidi disclosed her long long running adventures..over beer and shots and smokes smokes smokes [they were all in smiles to have american tobacco] she goes on about running while my drunken stare is trying to figure out how in the world would she run with full pint in one hand and a burning fag in the other? well, heidi ran and ran, lvoed to run, enough that, years later when I moved back from los angeles, I took inspiriation from that duality and began to run and run for months...it comes and goes with me still to this day, loving to run, needing a smoke, sometime ending one with the other..we would laugh at that so much...but she had superpowers, I shit you not..the girl loves running ridiculous amounts..
my thoughts exactly, raskol...how does one run with a pint in one hand and a smoky treat in the other? only only only heidi could make that a normal occurence.
i didn't know heidi all that well but i knew her a bit and i knew her, maybe best, through the hundreds of stories i'd heard involving or revolving around her.i remember her being extremely kind to me and chatting with me when she knew i didn't really know a lot of people. i remember her cracking jokes and laughing and smoking. i remember her as a queen of hyperbole. and i remember her as very, very dear to a lot of really good people. for all of you, i hurt at her loss. for all of us, i feel joy at having known her at all.
hopefully that doesn't sound trite.
When we were in college, Heidi's obsession with changing into 3 or 4 different outfits in one day really became something to marvel.During our freshman year, Vanessa and her sister, Michelle, lived next door to us. Vanessa and I would always laugh because Heidi would leave wearing one outfit, come to class in another outfit (an hour or two later), then meet us at the ARA in another outfit, then change and workout, and then return to our dorm and change into another outfit. This was litearlly, without exageration (as Vanessa and others as my witness) an everyday occurence. We used to absolutely die laughing over this.
Just another crazy-ass thing that made her so enjoyable and unique. It wasn't in ANY way annoying or frustrating. She was so unassuming and innocent in her manner, and she didn't even understand why we thought her daily wardrobe variation was so crazy. It was just a part of her free and colorful spirit. Chaning her clothes to change her mood (depending on where she would be at a give time) just made sense.
but it was even more of a challenge for her, because we got it in our minds that laundry was HOSS-ly expensive, so we decided to do our laundry in the sink? (crazy!) in our room - so at all times, there was laundry strewn about the room drying due to the multiple daily outfit changes (which is totally understandable and i would have never have had it any other way!) i agree, s - it was a total mood thing, which i LOVE and which makes perfect sense.another thing we have talked about which was a daily thing and is totally unique (and so utterly adorable to me) - is that she would spray multiple perfumes on before leaving for class. and let all of the scents co-mingle. and then when we would be locking up the room (always late and had to leave asap) she would dash back in and spray another kind on for good measure. that always made me laugh while i was yelling, "ginger, we have to GO!"
p.s. we had to get to a class that she would know ALL of the answers for when i never saw her open the book (wtf??)
this weekend i spent some time alone, i just needed to be quiet. today i went to mass for the first time since the day that i heard about heidi. i had found out at work and wound up going straight to mass down the street, and sat in the back with tears streaming down my face. i could tell the little kids from the catholic school were all staring at me and i didn't want them to see me - i mean, i didn't want to affect them in any sad kind of way so i kept hiding my face. then the last month for some reason, i have just had a hard time going back, almost a fear - like i would be back in that day. but today i knew i just had to go, like it was calling for me, and offering me help. and it was nice to be there. then i drove to malibu and climbed down rocks to the beach and read "a grief observed" and a seagull sat very near to me for quite awhile, almost like he had something to contribute. i stayed there until the sun was disappearing into the water. while i was driving home, i came up and over a hill and suddenly the moon was there, just staring at me. and it was full, and it was sort of veiled, feathery, almost shyly looking out. and it was so sweet, like you could almost hear it whispering shhh in your ear. i kept rounding bends and it would disappear and then it would be back in front of me, always looking different and getting higher and more perfect, and less guarded. it lit everything up, and i have to believe that heidi had something to do with the moon in that moment.
Merc- I agree. Heidi was with you. She was there to show and tell you that she loves you. She loved the moon and stars and everything about the heavens. What a beautiful story. I'm so glad that you shared it.
defend all your friends till the end defend all your friends till the end defend them with purist intent
there is a sweet, cinnamon soul I lost to the January cold.
heaven above, heaven beyond, why did you go?
remember, you wrote me that note
saying you held out a hope that I could see you there in Colorado?
my calendar crimes disallowed the time and I was too slow.
do you know I can get the car prepped?
you know, I can meet you there yet.
there's so much of you that still has to glow.
the advent of stars shining a light on our clumsy mortal road.
Ginger, I got a heart full of lead
searching for your pentecostal red hair in these crowds,
down all the halls, and on sidewalk steps.
do you see my prayers now? are they like you, heaven sent?
if stitches did heal the skin on your chest could I play a part, can I stitch your heart and let it mend?
Ginger, you pulled me off of my fence;
Ginger, you told me to consist
consist of a love, love, the love that always will last.
you said to love best that I can and never look back.
often I wonder if I can find you with some magic map...
but you reply,
"friend, just hold tight to love, love,
and I'll see you again..."
defend all your friends till the end defend all your friends till the end defend them with purist intent
SO PERFECT!!! (thank you for sharing this)
Amazing.
I hope Vanessa doesn't mind me sharing this- she was going to post this yesterday... so I'm beating her to the punch (but this is her memory!).One year on Valentine's Day (at NPU), Heidi and I got a card from our dad (for V-Day). In the card he wrote, "This is a joint valentine's day card for you girls. No, Heidi, not that kind of joint." Vanessa reminded me that Heidi read it and laughed and laughed.
Every year on Valentine's Day, our dad always sent us Valentine's Day cards or, when we were little, put them in the lunches he made for us to take to school. In high school he would leave them on the table for us.
I talked to my dad on the phone last night and he told me that he was going through his old cards and found a Valentine's Day card that Heidi sent him last year in which she wrote, "Dad, I always remember the Valentine's Day cards you give us every year and appreciate them."
In college, when Hyde and I were single, we went out for V-Day every year, together. I miss her sarcastic wit, companionship and love everyday. Happy Valentine's Day Heidi. I LOVE you!
that is the best valentine story I have ever heard. and picturing you two out for the hallmark day, laughing and loving, well, that makes the fake holiday finally real to me. thanks for giving that memory to us, sarah. because of my sleeping habits [esp. as of late] I've been reminded of heidi's insomnia - which is better explained by merc - but her insomnia put her to bed early. oddest irony. in the spring of 2003, as i was preparing to go to minnesoate for the summer to work, I would only arrive into chicago wafter night had fully arrived. I would plan to meet up with heidi [i had been trying to get her to see some improv shows down at improv olympic] but often it would be a breif encounter before she was inevitably off to bed by 930...but then rarely slept through the night. She did make it once, right before I went to minnesota. We ate some strange pizza beforehand, but the entire was, as always, delicious.
Heidi and I always used to laugh and laugh at Sweetest Day, barf!!! Before we moved to Chicago, we had NO idea what it was and had never heard of it, at all! We thought we were losing our minds when everyone at NP started talking about Sweetest Day.I respect the idea behind it and appreciate the gloification of love and hapiness, but Heidi and I were really suprised by this new holiday!
I'm home in Colorado this weekend, which is nice because I feel very close to Heidi!My dad has a VHS tape of a trip we took to the mountains when we were 13 and Heidi had fallen through an empty fish aquarium right before the trip. We were going to the mountains to go white water rafting and poor Heidi couldn't go because she had stiches in her leg and heel. She had to stay in the cabin and read (which is probably what she would have wanted to do anyway!). It was SO neat to watch the tape. I had never seen it before and it made me remember Heidi and I when we were kids. We were always just "together," and that makes me happy. I'm so grateful for those memories.
Poor Heidi. Who else would climb on top of an empty fish tank (to see a stray cat out of the window, lol) and fall thorough with such disaterous results? :)
thank you so much for telling us that story. that is so funny. that tape is seriously priceless. i love the detail that she was trying to see a stray cat. i swear cats have must always just followed heidi around, or shown up when she was around - like they knew instinctively that she would be their ally. your story reminded me of this - a cat that was always in our backyard in england, prowling around, and then one day - against all odds, it broke into our house. that cat must have been trying to find hyde...
"...stories are our protectors, like our immune system, defending against attacks of debilitating alienation... They are the connective tissue between culture and nature, self and other, life and death, that sew the worlds together, and in telling, the soul quickens and comes alive." -joan halifax
Just wanted to tell of my love for Heidi today. I miss her everyday and love you all.
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."
Heidi, I love you.
As Ed Vedder wrote,
"I miss you already, I miss you always."
Heidi told me the story with the aquarium many times. I often joked that she was a "disaster magnet", because she would constantly get bruised from bumping into things or things hitting her, although not nearly as bad as the fish tank disaster when she was a kid.I kind of regret never having videotaped Heidi when we were together. It would have been priceless memories now. I have a video camera, but I remember thinking that I'll get to it later; that Heidi and I have all the time in the world and I can always make some home movies and take more pictures of her later. I couldn't have been more wrong.
Hey Vadox... we have our high school graduation on tape somewhere. The next time I'm home I'll make copies of it for you... and the rest of you guys. In typical Heidi/Sarah fashion, we were both commencement speakers, but not together. I spoke with two other people and gave a "joint" speech, and Heidi gave THE MOST BEAUTIFUL (of course) commencement speech ever delivered to a high school crowd by a high school student. She compared life to a canvas and painting... it was so wonderful. She had a such a way with words. I wish I had HALF of her talent! Thank God she recorded a lot of her poems and thoughts on paper! Thank you so much Vadox- I love your reflections on here... I love the lost wallet stories! :)Merc and Raskol- I love the quotes. They're brilliant and perfect as always. Thank you for you.
I never knew a person who was part of more inside jokes than Heidi.Some were about the innerworkings of Ohlson House, places she worked, people we knew. Then there was Larry of the Prairie, all things Hoss, and the Book of Strikes. And those are just the things I can remember.
That girl could appreciate the absurdity of everything.
I think that's what made her so funny.
I never heard her tell a dirty joke, but few friends made me smile more than she did.
Only Heidi would call John Elway a hoss.If that isn't beautifully absurd, nothing is.
dvae c. and i went to see the Neil Young movie last night. i thought about heidi and how much she loved Neil.
Heidi and I went to our first concert when we were five- Neil Young at Red Rocks... Neil always played at Red Rocks. Our dad continued to take us to Neil Young concerts, everytime he came to town. Thanks for sharing that dogmanphil.It was nice to have each other- back in those days at the concerts there were people everywhere, all around us, smoking weed, getting drunk. Heidi and I just laughed and played with each other while Neil played.
Alfred, John Elway is pretty hoss! He's really, really a hoss. When Hyde and I were about eight, our dad took us to the circus and got us really, really good tickets. We were sitting on the floor in front of the three rings (my dad was able to snag good tickets from work) and there were a lot of Denver Broncos sitting around us, including John Elway (who was sitting right in front of us). At one point, this little kid, wearing a Broncos Jersey (he was probably 6 or so) came up to him during the intermission and asked if he could get his autograph and Elway said, "NO!!! Get away from me and don't bother me again!" And he said it really hoss too. Heidi and I were astounded to see such a 'celebrity' acting so hoss. We always talked about it, lol.
I love you Heidi!!!! I miss you soooooo much! Wish you were here to help with all of the family drama!... I'm sure you're lauging from Heaven! xoxoxoxo
In 1996 on Ash Wednesday Heidi and I went with some friends of mine to see Pat Buchanan (sp?) speak at a political rally. He had just won the New Hampshire Primary, so he had Secret Service protection. Heidi and I (and my friends) highly disliked him of course, but my friends and I were political junkies, and went to see every politician when they came into town, and Pat B. was no exception. We knew that Bob Dole would eventually get the Republican nomination, but we were really surprised that Pat B. won the New Hampshire Primary, and we were pumped to see him. I was so excited that Heidi had decided to come with my friends and me to see him. I remember specifically that it was Ash Wednesday, because one of our friends had to leave to go to church with his family before Pat got there and thought he was going to miss it, but he ran back after church and got there right when Pat B. was walking in the door.We got to the hotel convention center pretty early, and we were right up front, directly behind the gate that would separate us from Mr. B when he walked in. There were a LOT of really interesting people around us (HARD CORE Pat B. supporters). Heidi, of course, made sure to tell all of these people that we were extreme liberals and "loved" Bill Clinton, lol. A LOT of them got really quite angry with us, and Heidi kept them embroiled in debate. It was so funny. They were PISSED that we were there.
Pat B.'s plane was late, so we waited several hours... but it was worth it when he got there. When he walked in (with his Secret Service protection, lol), we were able to look right into his beady little eyes, and Heidi and I and my friend shook his hand (much to the chagrin of the die-hard conservative Republicans around us who didn't get the chance).
Pat B. proceeded to give a speech (fueled by the excitement of his big win the night before). In his speech he passionately screamed into the microphone that he was going to take "a flame-thrower to the building for the National Endowment of the Arts," and "build a HUGE fence around ALL of our U.S. borders." Heidi and I were laughing our asses off, in complete awe at the cheers and applause these statements were prompting.
We left and went home, completely intrigued at how the other half lives, ha ha. The next morning my friends and I went to see Bob Dole on his campaign stop, so we ditched most of the day at school. When I got to school for the last period my Physics teacher said, "Hey, didn't I see you and your sister in the paper this morning?" I freaked out and answered, "Uh, I hope not." He said, "Go on down to the library and get the newspaper." When I got the paper, I noticed, to my horror, that there was a picture of me and Heidi (and my friend Peter) smiling and shaking Pat Buchanan's hand!!! I was mortified, and convinced that it would ruin my future political career, ha ha!!
Heidi and I couldn't BELIEVE it... and the caption underneath said, "A group of Pat Buchanan's supporters greet him last night at the Denver Tech. Center."
Heidi thought it was SO funny, and she was so pleased that all of those people that were engaging her in such fierce political debate would see her shaking his hand in the newspaper that day. "Serves them right!" she said.
I miss that sense of humor that was so intertwined with mine. We always had so much fun and laughed at what other people may view as the craziest s@$!. She was the best
A la the Simpsons (where Mister Burns is depicted as being saved from a raving, obese Homer) "Buchanan Reaches Out Compassionately to Misguided Liberals""Buchanan Survives Liberal Attempt on Life, Conscience; Vows to Run on Morality and Virtue Platform"
'course, the Lamppost would then say
"Doyles Resist Touch of Evil"
Sadie- I remember the first time you told me that story. You, your sister, JB, her bro, and I were at the Hollywood Lounge.I about spit beer out of my nose.
Hilarious.
I would pay big bucks for a copy of that picture.
Alfred- I contacted the paper via email to see if I can get my hands on that... and if they don't have the archive back that far I'm going to go to the Jefferson County Public Library the next time I'm home, and I guarantee you, I will come back to Chicago with that picture to distribute to you fine people, lol.Lt.- I love the "Doyles Resist Touch of Evil," lol.
Heidi is loving our conversations on here... I know it! :)
I was taken aback and completely absorbed for hours last night in getting aquainted with the jovial herstory of cinnamongirl. the LOVE (i don't want to use that word generically, but specifically) that you-all have for her and she for you-all lives on in an inspiring memoir that has been recorded in this diner. After reading of (and alternately laughing, smiling, tearing up at) the memories you-all wrote of, I went back to read (some of, there's a lot!) cinnamongirl's own words written to you-all and encountered a person of kindred spirit (of course:). The bits and pieces of her life that are recorded here are such an inspiration to me. How successful she was for the profound way she touched those around her, leaving a trail of red rose petals- warmth, joy, friendship, passion (you all know the list goes on). Her positive energy continues to flow and live in this world - it truly has touched me and points me to really focus on what my dad has always told me is most imprtant in this life ~ relationships. what a great family here.... can't you all just hear God say "Well done, my child" ?
Cinnamongirl was the 5th largest diary poster out of everyone here on the Diner:4292 pedro
3508 baggins
3264 lukas
2268 BigJ
1996 Cinnamongirl
That is a testament to how much she contributed to this community.
does someone what to post about the 18th here?
dear community of friends, as some of you may know - we are having a service for our girl on march 18th in anderson chapel at north_park. the service will be a time of celebration for hyde's AMAZING life - a time of music, poetry, story-telling and more. we will post more details about it very soon- please email me at laura_i_guess at a o l dot com for any questions or anything about it as the details are still coming together. heidi's family will be setting up a scholarship in her honor, for english majors, out of state, from single parent homes - and the scholarship will be available for contributions beginning then, i believe. for those of you who aren't in chicago, we will miss you and wishing you could be there, but you will be in our thoughts and hearts, of course.LOVElaura.
There will be a service celebrating Cinnamongirl on March 18th.
This service will be held at North Park University, in Anderson Chapel, beginning at 4 p.m.
The 18th of this month is a Saturday. At the service there will be time for those gathered to remember Cinnamon in word and song, singing together, sharing poems, and uniting together for our friend that gave so much to us. [thanks for you words above, mamarain, thank you so much] Many have come together here to give this to Cinnamon and her family. If you have questions about anything regarding this celebration, please contact me through my email :
cut your jib at hot mail dot com
please do contact me and I'll tell you anything more I know of what is in the works..
but continual thougths and prayers and postings here, well, they do so much for so many...
peace and love to you all, truly truly
we must have been writing at the exact same time...!
our friend leif just referred to the 18th as st. doyle's day and i think that is PERFECT.
hi, everyone... today pete, peter, and i played some music in preparation for st. doyle's day. it was a really special time. for those of you who are in or around chicago - please come to north park on the 18th at four... we are going to have a real celebration for lampost poet laureate hyde park cinnamongirl doyle. erik and peter put yeats' poem, "the countess cathleen in paradise" to song for hyde, and i'll include the poem here - (thanks to cindy, who shared this poem with everyone.)
All the heavy days are over;
Leave the body's coloured pride
Underneath the grass and clover,
With the feet laid side by side.
Bathed in flaming founts of duty
She'll not ask a haughty dress;
Carry all that mournful beauty
To the scented oaken press.
Did the kiss of Mother Mary
Put that music in her face?
Yet she goes with footstep wary,
Full of earth's old timid grace.
'Mong the feet of angels seven
What a dancer glimmering!
All the heavens bow down to Heaven,
Flame to flame and wing to wing.
-William Butler Yeats-
we were just talking about the service as a kind of send-off, saying heidi your life changed all of us, and we are so thankful for you...we love, honor you, and celebrate the time that we got to spend with you. hope people can make it...
I just love that poem! Cindy read that at the service in CO (as I'm sure everyone knows) and it is just so appropriate! I'm so happy that it has been set to music. It's so lovely.I'm so grateful for everyone here. Heidi's friends... all of you hold me up and keep me sane.
I love you all as Heidi did. Thank You for all being here and for loving Heidi so much. She was so loved.
this diner has been a wonderful miracle...so many things in this world start with a good idea, but then fail for lack of time or means or connection, or else they turn from their beautious intent..but here, well, it's been incredible..what's hilarious is that I've been very wary of the diner all along..I mean, so many of my beloved friends come here and post, and I always read it..at times I post with information, others to add to a discussion, but more reading than writing...and I was somewhat pessimistically waiting for things to turn internet ugly..but everytime I wrote back and for with cinnamongirl, or especially when I'd make it to chicago, we'd talk over the different diner discussions, rehashing what made us laugh or joyful to see, or some things that made us mad or broke our hearts..and the ginger could always keep the vision of the pure diner, and the great intentions people had...
these past months have been to me the greatest example of her well placed faith..you have all been so lovely, in sharing and encouraging, and just living - living with the willingness to talk and listen and try and try again...thank you..I knew Heidi was right about all of this..
pedro is heavenly for getting this running, and seeing a better future for it than just inernet chatting, and everyone talking and listening here, well, never stop, please..
on another note
sometimes, even working at a church, with very few people, and a freedom to do anything almost, well, sometimes work is still so hoss!
hey, everybody. peter*carlson and i both arrived last night and pete, anna, and erik get here late tonight/early morning. if anyone has any questions or needs to contact me about the service at all, please call my cell at three-two-three-seven-one-seven-four-zero-seven-nine, lovelaura.
Our favorite holiday.I love you twin.
Happy Saint Patrick's Day
i can't make the service. i really wish i could, but work beckons like a motherfucker. i also am baptizing a guy from my small group at 6:30, then i'll be heading up to the city after to rendesvous with y'all.i'll be calling laura for plans/meeting points, etc. laura or p.e.c.
thank you all who've prepared for the service today. i'm leaving madison right now to meet you at np. take care, and see you soon.
what a treasure to see all the old faces. smiling with each other, while missing Heidi. if you want to know how cool she was, take a look at the people she surrounded herself with wherever she went.i'm so very glad pmack was able to make it. what a wonderful surprise.
i've missed you all for so long.
Yesterday we got to experience all of the pieces of Heidi. Every one of them came together to beautifully create the amazing picture that was her life.Heidi, we ALL love you!
I am upset with myself as intimidation usually does not keep me quiet when it came time for people to share memories about heidi--but then i said to myself--how can anyone top the phys plant guy? i sure couldn't. ---i don't even know how to express my awe and profound thanks to laura, peters, phil, doyles, northpark and company for the amazing tribute to our beloved heidi... I wanted to share a quick heidi memory that i was too _______ to be able to share on saturday... it was our sophomore year, heidi and i were in gospel choir. i sang a solo. i was scared...then heidi did a reading in the middle of the song...from revelations...i just remember goosebumps and the power that came from when she read...."holy holy holy is the Lord God Almighty who Was and Is and Is to come." she tasted words and i loved hearing her i miss her and i am sad.
...and thanks to y'all. saturday really was absolutely beautiful.
A while back, mercurymouth had asked that I post this poem. I just came across the request now.So here it is. I wrote this after a conversation I had with Hyde, probably in Dec. 02 or Jan 03. I had spent the night at her apartment and couldn't find any paper to write on. Everyone was asleep, so I wrote it on the inside cover of one of her Norton Anthologies. And up until a few months ago, I really did not like it. It's not my best work, but it certainly has sentimental value now.
I am sure that the stanzas will get messed up once I hit <enter>, but the original version can be found at pastichepoetry.com if you use the site's search engine. Man, Pastiche--that used to be a good site until the webmaster became HOSS. -----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Tabletop Denouement -For H. Doyle
We finally did it- We solved all of the world's problems Over a plate of cold Chinese food And a couple of warm, domestic beers. Believe it or not, things couldn't be better- Or is it, they have never been worse? It all depends on perspective- What it is is what it never seems to be. I only say this because I care. Hopefully I am right. Hopefully you can see past the past, Beyond the wordplay, And into the future.
And so what if I am wrong (I tell myself)? So what if we can't take all that is wrong And roll it up into a ball (to toss away)? Things have to change- The center seldom holds! So maybe we didn't solve all of the world's problems, But for one night everything looked perfect.
go to pastiche for a nicer version...while you are there, check out the other cool things on the site...Hyde had some gems on it...tell the webmaster he is HOSS...that site was really cool at one time
To all of the people who made Saturday beautiful...most of you I knew in college on a very tip-of-the-iceberg level. Some I had heard in java haus. Some on the steps of Burgh. But I was moved by all of you tributes to HD.You all are as talented as she.
I could not make it to Lake Wood in Jan., but Saturday provided me with some much needed closure. Thank you. I wish I could have gone out after the service. I wanted to talk with so many of you.
Please feel free to drop me an email at j h s t e p h a n i i i @ a o l (dot) c o m.
Or, if any of you fine people ever visit NW Indiana, look me up in Highland...the town's name suggests it is much cooler than it actually is, though.
-al
from now on i will only think of hyde doyle as "HD", instead of high definition
in a fitting reference, as prufrock no doubt intended, the poet hd...
It was great to see you at the service although I didn't even get to say hi... next time. I hope everything is well with you and yours...
I will undoubtedly fill many posts with my growing memories of the ginger's celebration service..there are so many new memories now to go along with those old memories rekindled...I have just been unloading story after story upon er!k, and missing you all so much...but before sleep, on an actual bed, I needed to say that all those that gave so much..both for the service, for the after gathering, for the before planning, in prayers from afar, continual thoughts and hopes, all those traveling, all those opening their homes, those angels giving showers, to everyone...you have made my life beyond anything I have dreamt possible or worthy..and heidi, my dear, thank you for praying for us as we attempted something beyond all our singular hopes - we were only trying to give to you, but we ended up receiving so much!
My thoughts and prayers were with all of you on Saturday. Your stories about the day are warming my heart.
i propose an annual summerfest on the weekend of the twins' b-day... : )but as for more details from saturday past: the music, the tone, even the program that was printed beautifully captured and was reflective of how heidi chose to live--warm, loving, that fine line between joy and sorrow, musical, happy, and funny. The diverse population of gatherers was also a testiment to who heidi was--we were laughing so hard at the fact that the Phys Plant guy was the first to speak up...very heidi--a lover of all who loved. Sarah's pp presentation of photos was perhaps the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. i'm really glad i sat in the back. it was hard. i'm getting my camera fixed this weekend.
Not being at all surprised at the dichotomy of folks gathered nor at the number.I remember Nancy A reading Thomas Hardy--which is a huge departure from the norm from her--and thinking how appropriate it was to HD, and for those English department folks not present as well.
I remember seeing the Doyle paterfamilias and thinking that if we had some sort of election for father everyone else would like to have, even just for one day, he'd win in a landslide.
I remember oldpossumus, not present physically, but in spirit, in song, and in laughter--to take a line from master cronkite, you were there, man.
I remember writing five drafts of what I was going to say to introduce the time of reflection in the car on the way back to Chicago, throwing them all away in various tollway receptacles, and letting the words and the stories come.
i keep thinking, it is perfect, really - how saturday, st. doyle's day, really brought out the best in everyone. i watched people who were in their worst grief and pain reach out lovingly to each other - i watched people who were on no sleep stay up for hours and give and give. i watched complete strangers laughing and talking together like they had been friends for so long... that day was so heidi, i kept wishing she was there and thinking how much she would love it. and realizing that the day was bringing out the best in everyone and that makes perfect sense since heidi has always brought out the best in each place and person she ever encountered. thanks, heidi for looking out for all of us...
...laura's on the money:the day was bringing out the best in everyone and that makes perfect sense since heidi has always brought out the best in each place and person she ever encountered.
that is the best way i can describe st. doyle's day.
Thank you everybody, for everything. Thank you Vanessa for thinking of our birthday- it needs to be addressed, as I can't even bring myself to think of it yet. Thank you so much. With friends like you guys, it will be a joyous occasion.LL, thank you so much for your comments, I agree with Ulyssess... you are on the money! the day was so beautiful, the music was so beautiful, the people were incredible. I love you guys!
Lt... thank you for commenting on my dad and his sweetness. We (I) am so lucky. Alfred... thanks for the poem.
I really love you all and what you have done... Heidi would be touched. I am touched. I don't know how I would manage without all that knew her and can remember her here.
I need to mention, once again, that so many miracles were given to us all in order for the celebration service to beautifully take place. Thank you,Hyde, for I know you were ceaselessly praying for us in heaven, and thanks to heaven, for the Divine Hand was [as always] executive producer in all things. What launches to my mind firstly are the faces of so many wonderfully people. Sadie, you mentioned how the pieces of Hyde's love came together and brought her so clearly before us all, and I can't agree more.
Dogmanphil, your willingness to enter into my sleepless world for an entire weekend, to do so with unending energy and devotion to friends is a monumental effort that I will never, ever forget. How you made breakfast on friday, worked on songs and the program, then went to work [it was st. patty's day] and stayed there until 3 AM, and then awaited pedro and anna to arrive a few hours later, and then went back to the program...and that was just the beginning..even with that toil on your body, saturday afternoon you were practicing with dav1d claws0n and pedro, and had me spellbound...'one of these days' was more than perfect, more than pretty, more than typing can say..it was so gentle and loving...
I spent the night of St. Patrick's Day with sadiegirl - meeting her beloved tom[who is AMAZING, just as cinn always said], the 3 ladies laurent [yeah, luckiest boy in the world am I] and also meeting papa doyle and cindy..my best st. patty's day ever, easily...and it readied me for the hope and tasks of the next day..one task was trying to keep it together as I sat on the far right flank, watching merc and her dad sing 'kathy's song'..my first time hearing them. it was a golden migling of mournful voices sprouting hopeful harmony..and I just know that hyde was singing along from the start...
I'll be back to add more specifics..there is so MUCH! I hope to hear more of your recollections as well. Remember, they give more than you can realize! For all that was planned, what I knew and what I had no idea was coming, everything was in it's right place, such as I've never witnessed before. I am continually changed [always for the better] by the souls I am blessed to meet and the events that have thrown us together..peace be with you all..
also, here is a link to a page where you can hear and should be able to download the practice versions of some of the songs prepared for St. Doyle. They were done over a blissful weekend at mercury's fantastic home in glendale, california. Sharp Cutting Wings is a song originally by Lucinda Williams, Countess Cathleen was adapted by Er!k [oldpossumus] to music using the poem by Yeats, the countess cathleen in paradise. cinnamon girl is neil young's. forgive their humble roughness. I was once again amazed to be along with pedro and merc as they spun magical harmonic webs to stick myself into. in the near future we hope to offer the audio recordings of the songs given at the service.
Even though Heidi's service ended almost two weeks ago, I am still incredibly overjoyed and grateful for the amount of effort that went into it and the perfect end result. Heidi would have LOVED it so much.When Heidi and I were in high school Pearl Jam was suing ticketmaster and only playing at venues that were privately owned. Red Rocks Amplitheater is owned by the City of Denver, so they played three shows there. Red Rocks only seats 8000 people, so obviously the shows sold out immediately. Heidi miraculously got two tickets and she was going to take my dad (she and he are the biggest PJ fans). She was SO excited to go, and so was dad of course.
Right before the concert Heidi went out to Oregon to visit my grandma and aunt and uncle. She called from Oregon and told me to go ahead and go with my dad to the concert (!). She did it just to be so sweet... that's just how she was (as we all know). So my dad and I were able to go to that concert just b/c Heidi sacrificed her ticket for me!!! It was the best concert I've ever been to... really, it was so awesome.
So few people have the rare gift of pure generosity and sweetness and innocence as completely as she did.
I love seeing that sweetness of spirit in all that came together for her memory two weeks ago... We love you Heidi.
I haven't posted anything on the diner here for quite some time, but I think that today is the day. I didn't know Heidi very well, but I do remember my first real encounter with her very well. I waited to be chosen for a team for a game of nerd softball in the park. Heidi waited,too. She was on my team that day. We were at bat. I had recently been yelled at for missing a grounder. Heidi swung at the ball. She hit it and proceeded to run, bat in hand, towards third base. People began to yell from the bench and field "wrong way, wrong way!" She- still moving towards third - threw down the bat and said "Isn't this supposed to be fun?!" I wanted her to be my friend... The next year I was in Sverige studying and a few of us went to visit the crew at Oxford. We went to - I think an Irish- pub with writing on the wall, "please have the courtesy th shut the f- up..." I laughed and it turned out to be one of my favorite evenings so far. Heidi was there and I appreciated her laughing and smiling. Some more years passed and I lived in Hungary and I sometimes came here. I didn't write very often but it was wonderful to have some sort of community to come to and visit and she was an important part of that. I'm sorry I never said so before. Thank you Heidi.
That all future reunion games of trashcan softball must be run clockwise, starting down the third-base line. How did no one have the foresite to change the rules that day?From all the stories I have heard, P.t.r being the mouthpiece for most, my parents for more, the service was beautiful and fitting. I was so sorry not to be there, more than "sorry", but am so glad to know so many others were able to be there, share, remember. I myself held my own little remembrance, during the hours of the service, and was with you all (and continue to be) in thought and spirit.
I just had another favorite Heidi memory - after our semester in Oxford, Hemingstein and I walking Heidi and Merc (both toting suitcases the size of Delaware) down to Woodstock road late one evening, where they boarded a bus to begin a journey to . . . was it Italy? France? Somewhere far away, and they seemed a bit (wait, a BIT) confused as to where they were going, and how, and with what money, for how long, meanwhile struggling to haul 30 zip-codes worth of suitcase up the bus steps, and Hem and I watching their pensive faces out the rear window disappear towards city center and Hem and I turning to each other and wondering what the f*ck did we just let them do!?!? Will we see them again? Will we be held responsible and thrown in gaol and fed Exeter peas and blood pudding for not intervening?
Oh that makes me smile!
I haven't been to the Diner for a few weeks (I was packing, moving & unpacking) and didn't know about the service on the 18th until just now. I am so incredibly sorry Sarah.
sure missing hyde right now! thanks to everyone for so many great stories, i like to come back and read everything over and over. this is a really special page that i love so much, i feel like i should print it out or something. e.a., that is the funniest memory - and wouldn't you know it - we packed everything in the world in our suitcases (which hyde began opening and throwing articles in quite a few trash cans once we got to paris ("i don't wear these shoes too much anyway, they are so heavy!") she threw away half of her stuff during that trip! but i was saying, wouldn't you know it - with THAT much stuff we were hauling around, we managed to forget any directions, maps, or hostel information and wound up roaming in the rain, looking for shelter with little french, an atm card that didn't work, tons of books, no food, and of course no sense of direction. it took us 3 hours to figure out the subway system, but once we did, we were unstoppable. the ginger in paris is a sight for sore eyes.
For thou art with me here upon the banks
Of this fair river; thou my dearest Friend,
My dear, dear Friend; and in thy voice I catch
The language of my former heart, and read
My former pleasures in the shooting lights
Of thy wild eyes. Oh! yet a little while
May I behold in thee what I was once.
William Wordsworth, "Tintern Abbey"
Merc- I know just how you feel!I miss Hyde so much. This last week before my wedding has been much more difficult to face than I imagined it would be, without Heidi. I miss her ability to calm me down and balance me out when I let stress dictate my sanity and daily life, ha ha. She had such a gift for always making see things in a differnt light and feel better.
I LOVE coming to The Diner and looking at this page. The memories and stories of Heidi make me feel so much better and remind me that she is here. She is here in spirit and she is here in all of our hearts.
On Friday Heidi will STILL be my Maid of Honor... she is the most honorable maid I've ever known, and doubtlessly ever will know!
Thank you SO MUCH to all of you for keeping Heidi alive for me here.
As most of you know, I am getting married tomorrow, and without Heidi there it won't be the same, of course. I do know (thanks to her diary entries on the Diner and Xanga) how much she loved Tom (my fiance) and that's good enough for me... Heidi will be there in spirit and we all love you Heidi!
and best wishes -- Tom is a great guy and we are so happy for you guys!
CONGRATULATIONS sarah!!! here's a heidi quote to think about - to know how much she, your maid of honor, is blessing everything on friday - is celebrating your big day!! isn't it great to read - on this diner page, where she wrote: "My sister's upcoming wedding is one amazing and phenomenal blessing. She and Tom are just the best couple ever. They make each other so happy, and I could wish for no one better than Tom for the closest person in the world to me--my twin sister." sarah we all love and support you and tom! and you are so right. of course heidi is there and is a part of such a blessed day. we love you!
sorry, i meant to put line breaks and i guess i bolded it instead... but that's okay. it emphasized it, and it was said very emphatically......so it works.
God bless you on your day tomorrow, future married couple.
tom's a great guy i'm glad i got to meet him even if he did scare me the first time i met him.
i think it's great you guys are getting married. i hope everything goes well and that you take time to enjoy your day before it's all over!
Congratulations Sarah!
best wishes, sarah&tom!
the wedding was BEAUTIFUL. i will post some pictures very soon. Sarah and Tom are off in the mountains in Colorado and hopefully relaxing. it was a blessed event and that bride ruled the dance floor - she was still tearing it up when we left after midnight. it was great to see. heidi was very much a part of the ceremony and had to be so happy and proud for this union. a candle, brought up by their brother jacob, burned in heidi's honor during the ceremony and reception - a poem of hyde's was read and the pastor talked about sacraments, and how he believes in the communion of saints, and that heidi's candle was a sacrament and she was taking place in this wedding in a very real way. he said that she was very present with all of us in the church and that she is celebrating with us. it was really nice to hear that. also, vanessa shared beautiful words at the ceremony about the twins, and the connection that they will always have. CONGRATULATIONS sarah & tom - i feel like i have never been at a wedding that i was more hopeful and happy about and that is really saying something. BEST WISHES... you two are so perfect together, and we are all very happy for you.
Wow! Thank you so much to everyone for the lovely well wishes and references to the wedding, but most importantly, to Hyde. Her presence was definitely with us at the wedding.Thank you so much to everyone who made it to the wedding! Merc- thank you for picking such an appropriate reading for the wedding. I am so glad that Heidi got to speak through you and the pefect poem that you picked.
Tom and I arrived home (to our house in Lakewood) last night. I have been down in Heidi's room all morning, pulling random books off of her bookshelf. I love accidentally coming across her handwriting in different books. I am paricularly struck this morning with how innocent and pure of heart Heidi was. I've been flipping through her Norton Anthology of Modern Poetry today and lauhed when I saw the only notes in the entire Anthology are next to 'Wasteland,' lol. I didn't even TRY to understand or pretend to understand all of the references and complications that is the 'Wasteland,' but Heidi really DID, and really CARED. I suppose I'm just a bad English major, lol... but Heidi helped to try and make me a better one when we were at NPU.
I miss you all! I can't wait to see everyone sometime soon!!! Thank you so much, to everyone, for everything.
your toast was so beautiful! if you don't mind, could you post it here? it was really very lovely.
Yes Vanessa! You definitely have to post a copy of the speech on The Diner, that would be awesome!Merc- would you mind posting Heidi's poem on this page? The one that you read at the wedding? Everyone keeps telling me how beautiful it was and would love to read it.
Happy belated Easter to everyone! Tom and I were still on our honeymoon on Easter, so I'm sorry to post this so late.
When Heidi and I were little the "Easter Bunny" always used to hide eggs EVERYWHERE in our yard and around the house. I remember when Heidi and I first found out the Easter Bunny wasn't real. We talked to a friend on the phone and she told us that the Easter Bunny didn't leave any hard boiled eggs or candy or an Easter basket for her, and we were so upset! When we told our parents they gave each other this 'look,' and Heidi and I knew! Heidi said, "The Easter Bunny isn't real, right? We never thought so anyway, you can tell us the truth." So then my dad says, "Of course he's not real..." and then my mom chimed in with, "But Santa is!" LOL, Heidi and I used to laugh about that. Our mom wanted us to believe in Santa when we were 12, ha ha. IT was really cute actually.
I wait. As I wait
I know
that the cataclysmic beauty
of your soul pours down over mine.
I see. When I see
I know
there's no telling.
This time of ours,
clocks and faces,
lands without warning.
I believe the days which come
and stop, and go
know. Know what we were waiting for
and you were there
the moment I was born.
Glorious as visions be,
and dreams
real dreams arrive, more beautiful still.
You defy each dream
my dreamer's soul could create.
I look up to the light (though lost so long)
I find and kiss the hand of Love.
Lost in the universe, tripping over stars
I know--and I would travel this far
for one glance at joy, and wisdom.
I know One, and I start
at the fire-new life smoldering inside
the Artist of my soul, the guardian of my being.
It is he that I know.
Now we go, hand in hand,
and seek what we were meant for.
-Heidi Doyle
KNOWING is the name.
MAN...HEIDI...you are missed!
From Charles Dickins' A Tale of Two Cities:
A WONDERFUL FACT to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other. A solemn consideration, when I enter a great city by night, that every one of those darkly clustered houses encloses its own secret; that every room in every one of them encloses its own secret; that every beating heart in the hundreds of thousands of breasts there, is, in some of its imaginings, a secret to the heart nearest it! Something of the awfulness, even of Death itself, is referable to this. No more can I turn the leaves of this dear book that I loved, and vainly hope in time to read it all. No more can I look into the depths of this unfathomable water, wherein, as momentary lights glanced into it, I have had glimpses of buried treasure and other things submerged. It was appointed that the book should shut with a spring, for ever and for ever, when I had read but a page. It was appointed that the water should be locked in an eternal frost, when the light was playing on its surface, and I stood in ignorance on the shore. My friend is dead, my neighbour is dead, my love, the darling of my soul, is dead; it is the inexorable consolidation and perpetuation of the secret that was always in that individuality, and which I shall carry in mine to my life's end. In any of the burial-places of this city through which I pass, is there a sleeper more inscrutable than its busy inhabitants are, in their innermost personality, to me, or than I am to them?
Heidi is so missed Merc! I missed her so, so much today. That happens on some days. It's amazing! I come here and it makes me feel so much better. Hyde would have LOVED that passage from A Tale of Two Cities. Thank you blvgirl, very much!You are all wonderful. It is comforting to know that other people, all over the United States, still think about Heidi too. I hope it doesn't sound bad, but that brings me immense comfort.
During this month last year I was having a VERY hard time career-wise. Heidi was SO there for me, and as this May arrives I am finding that I miss her constant support and shoulder to lean on even more! She was so loyal, no matter WHAT happened, and never missed a beat when it came to providing support for me. I'm sure that is true for her friends here as well.I'm at work right now and don't have time to write it, but I'll post a Heidi-Loyalty story later on today... she was a riot!!
I hope you are all having a wonderful May... it's such a lovely time of year and Heidi enjoyed this weather (not too hot or too cold).
Happy May!
I clicked on the birthday cake link to celebrate dogman's day, and the screen came up showing hyde's reply to the diner's 2005 birthday. I guess I haven't checked that entree in a while. But it hammered home in a joyful way how hyde was always so in tune with comings and goings of hope and heart. What a steadfast listener to all my ramblings and wayward typings! golly moses there's so much to miss in that...
But as the moon grows full again I'm reminded that all phases bring new chances of hope and healing. Oh hyde, thanks for those well wishes. And thanks for continuing to listen as I toss more wishful pennies into life's well.
I miss you.
Raskol- I love your wonderful post! Heidi always was SO in tune with the comings and goings of hope and heart. What a lovely way to put it. Yesterday was my grandma's birthday, as well as mother's day of course. Heidi always did so much to celebrate our gram's bday and she was always very, very sweet about it on those years that it happenend to fall on Mother's Day.
Baggins' post about Guitar Hero brings fond memories back about our Mario Cart days. We used to play like psycho's and scream and yell and cuss playing that game. No holds barred. She would have LOVED Guitar Hero.
when i read your post about guitar hero, i thought 'i bet heidi would have liked that game...'
I was telling Merc, Raskol and Pedro this story yesterday and Pedro suggested I put it on The Diner here as it is classic Heidi....When Heidi and I were moving out of our condo back in October packing was super hoss. Heidi was moving back home to Colorado and I was moving in with my fiance, into a very small house (much smaller than where Hyde and I lived). Since Heidi was traveling so far we both wanted to really downsize, so we ended up throwing A LOT of (cool) stuff out.
One day when we were almost done moving (you know that hoss moving feeling when you're so frustrated and you just don't care about any of your stuff) I had this CD player, still in the box, never used.
I said to Hyde, "I don't know what to do with this. I totally will never use it, what the hell should I do with it? I don't fee like holding on to it and driving it to the goodwill when I'm unpacking and everything but it's too nice to just throw out."
She responded with, "Dude you can totally throw it in the garbage, in the ally. Why not?"
Of course I was like, "Dude, I can't do that! It's brand new, that is so hoss!"
And she said, "It's not hoss at all! One of those Mexican guys in the salvage trucks will come and pick it up and have a new boombox!"
Then she took a piece of paper and wrote, "NEW, NEVER USED" in Spanish and English and put it back in the alley with the garbage and within an hour it was gone!
Since today is a day to remember our passed loved ones and honor fallen military, I thought it appropriate to write how much we will be thinking of our Heidi today at home.We'll also be thinking about all of the men and women who have died to protect our country.
Happy Memorial Day
happy memorial day, everybody! we're telling heidi stories and thinking of her on this special day. we'll have an orange indiana sunset in her honor, i bet.
my workplace now has a computer, which is great for getting through a slow five minutes [which sounds easy, but in retail, well, you know that slow five can be tough]...but now i am super paranoid about coworkers checking the internet and finding stuff I look at. nothing is bad, but there's only five employees, so it is good to keep life out of work out of work..so I'm taking my cue from hyde's Gog work, and now i erase the history every time i'm done. Which is so over the top, because two co workers can't even figure out what the internet is..but really, who would have thought that the Gog would go to the diner?..thank's for the advice hyde.
If Gog brings his friend Magog...
What is that from??? It is making me laugh, but I can't place the Gog and Magog reference... Please elaborate! :)
ezekiel, i think
Gog and Magog
fascinating. i just linked through the above to skull and bones society to conspiracy theories to the illuminati to discordians to fnords. i could spend all day browsing through there.
though I was thinking of the apocalyptic Revelation citing, not the Ezekiel one. . .
Heidi and I were born on June 28th. We are having a bday celebration at our house on that night to remember Heidi and spend time together on our birtday (Wednesday, June 28 at 6 p.m.). The whole Diner crew is of COURSE invited. I didn't have everybody's email, so I thought I would post it here. If you would like to come, email me and I'll get you directions... sarahjean96@hotmail.com
I wish I could be there. I like your idea of everyone living on the same block in some blessed city. My heart in prayers is always there with you and Tom. That is going to be a starlit gathering.
i was thinking about you so much at the radiohead show, it reminded me of you so much. i love you.
Happy Birthday today sweet Heidi. I know you're up in Heaven celebrating but selfishly I wish you were here with me today, celebrating on Earth. It doesn't feel right turning one year older today without you here to turn 28 too. I never ever thought I would ever be older than you.We love you and miss you! We're all so glad that you were born. You enriched our lives so much in the short amount of time that you were wtih us. Not one minute will go by today that I am not thinking of you and feeling your love. Happy Birthday! We Love You!
now we don't know much about time, do we? and what then is beyond time? before waking this morning I dreamt of a song playing through small, city trees, at dusk when the humidity releases some of its intensity. the song in the breeze sang of loving those around you, loving where you are in each moment, even when you are trying to move your moments along the unknown tracks in search of something. Love what you see and whom you see. for moments end and movement stop and time can only spin around, but beyond all of that is hope manifest, faith tangible, and love inescapable. I celebrate you, sadie and hyde, I love you both!
the troublemaking twins, the lingo, the beauty, the heartbreakers, the humor! the truth, the love. time and space can never contain you, no matter how it tries. and nothing is forgotten, and love never ends. we are so lucky to know both of you...and i celebrate your birthday and every minute i have been able to spend with both of you. i love you.
I hope you have the happiest of birthdays possible on this day.
... sorry, i've been away from the diner for a few days... thinking of you.
i think 6 years ago a bunch of us desided to go to the cubs game on the 4th. we all met at my apt. and had screwdrivers for breakfast as to not waste our mony on over priced drinks at the ball park. i just remembered that what i saved on beer at the ball park they totally made back on all the food i bought because i was sooo hungry. but, anyways we all had a great time and then went back to clausen's to watch american beauty. that was probably my favorite 4th and probably my favorite time with heidi.i'll let laura tell about my hat & heidi
Thanks for posting that Dogman.We LOVED the fourth... always had HUGE family shindigs every year. It's very different this year without Hyde.
Happy Fourth to EVERYONE!! :)
I remember well that july 4th, 2000. It is my favorite fourth of July ever - and, in truth, the only one I remember particularly loving. These days I typically hide out on independence day, being in love with neither fireworks nor foreseen crowds and their traffic [God bless them all]. But that fourth of July, a moveable feast of sorts, with many spoken and unspoken toasts. It was a day of real freedom and community.
My, oh my, how hyde epitomized those essentials of love. I recall struggling along sidewalks with pedro & mercury & dogman & hyde, stumbling towards the El, tracing our way out of wrigleyville. That was the only day I was ever drunk twice, sobering up in the late afternoon before the evening's bottom's up, widing up on davey claw-son's couch.
I guess it is a blessing to have so much to recall fondly, even though the bittersweet passing of time is a companion to those moments of love. But that was a day of love I felt in the here and now. I'm so glad I knew a piece of it then, and have more peace from it now.
I swear, you don't know the full, odd majesty that is a baseball game unless you watch it with merc and hyde. Those two emitting innocent awareness and detached bewilderment in regards to the unwritten social designs of sporting events. That is one day I would gladly revisit again and again.
Though I went to no showing, I saw the greatest fireworks on that fourth of July.
now, the fourth passed from 2006, I'm sitting still, lingering once again with that group of souls. Though we're always leaving one thing or another these days, there is no departure without reunion. In that thought I go to rest for a few hours.
What a great post Raskol, I loved reading it. Thank you so much for posting it!
That cubs game was very funny and very memorable. i think it was the only time i've ever been drunk before noon, unless it was a bad english hangover situation. i remember hyde wearing your brad hat for some reason, phil - and then forgetting it in our old seats because she was prob. too tipsy to remember it. then later in the game when we moved and were making fun of some dorky guy in our old seats, who was standing up and making an ass of himself, screaming "ole, ole ole ole...etc." you realized that he was in fact wearing your beloved brad hat. ha ha. but you got it back, right?!
i was leading the ole, ole, ole's but, ya some how, some dude not me and not hyde was wearing my hat.
that's funny!!
Heidi and I used to LOVE taking our little brother, Jacob to Great America. He came to stay with Heidi and I every summer, and every summer before he left we would make a huge event of taking him there. The first year we took him (he was six) he could not get onto any of the major thrill rides because he was just a tad bit too short. The one ride he could go on (which is thrilling, but kinda scary) was The Giant Drop. That's the one that has chairs on a pole and they take you WAY WAY up to the top and then drop you down really fast.Well, when we got to the top of the ride, Jacob looked over at Heidi and said, "Oh sweet mercy." Heidi LOVED it... she was laughing the whole way down... he was SUCH a character for a six year old kid.
Now that he's an insanely tall 9 year old Jacob can go on all of the rides, and he loves them like Heidi and I did. We were always nuts about the rides at amusement parks.
I took Jacob to Great America last week (he's leaving after this weekend) and we went on the Giant Drop four times. For Heidi. We love you and miss you.
what a loving and hilarious picture. Thanks for sharing those thoughts and images, sadie!
We started up Heidi's scholarship fund at North Park University. It's called the Heidi Doyle Hope Scholarship. We have so far raised a pretty significant amount of money, but we still have a long way to go to get the fund endorsed. If anyone is interested in donating a couple of bucks let me know and I'll mail you a lttter with the info.Thank you so much to everyone for helping to keep Heidi alive in our hearts. My dad and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to honor her beautiful memory and we definitely think that this is the most appropriate thing to do for her. She would have been tickled. Hopefully she is!
We love you Heidi!
tonight i was playing a web version of boggle. one of the other people playing was using the name cinnamon girl. i wish i had played boggle with heidi.
was the last weekend that Heidi and I spent together living in Chicago. Our lease ended on Oct. 1 of last year and Heidi came to stay with Tom and me for a few days before she moved back home. On Oct. 3 last year (it was a Monday)I took the day off of work to be with Heidi, knowing how much I would miss her when she left the next Tues. morning to move back home. It ended up being a beautiful warm day (like 73 degrees!). I had just moved in with Tom and Heidi helped me to paint our front porch and put up all of our Halloween decorations. I'm so sad this year that she won't be here to help me again and laugh at my anal-retentiveness w/ lawn ornamentation (she got a kick out of that- thought I was insane, lol).When we painted the front porch, after a few hours (3 or so) it looked dry to me. I told Heidi I was going to test it out. She told me I should probably wait, so I leaned down and lightly touched the paint, and it felt pretty dry. The paint can said it would take 8-10 hours, but I was certain the porch was fine to walk on. Against Heidi's better judgment I, naturally, opened the front door and walked out onto the porch (barefoot) and slid across the entire length of our porch (on the wet paint) and fell right on my butt, ruining my shorts.
Heidi was standing at the screen and said, "Dude, you're a DUMBASS!" I was sitting in the wet paint, my arse smarting from the fall, not knowing whether to laugh or cry at the damage I had caused. After her shocked psuedo-anger subsided Heidi looked at my face and said, "Dude, go get cleaned up, I'll take care of it." She went into the house, got the paint, re-opened and re-mixed it, and painstakingly repainted over the damage I had caused. It was a difficult job, as she had to sit just inside and reach out the doorway with long rollers and brushes to re-do the beautiful paint.
I'm so glad that God gave me that day and that I took the day off of work. At the time I recall that I felt slightly guilty, but now I see that it was meant to be. That memory is one of my favorites and I will never forget it.
I'm so grateful that God gave us that day together and cherish His gift of Heidi.
sarah - thanks for what you wrote! that is a great story and i loved reading it. i realized today that it was a year ago this weekend when i last saw heidi. i was in chicago and we met at holly's apt in lincon square and walked to an indian restaurant. heidi's hair was piled up on her head and she had on a long skirt. she looked so pretty - i kept thinking that the whole afternoon. she was so excited about moving back to colorado and we kept talking about so many plans. we couldn't figure out how to lock hol's apt because the keys and locks were hard and confused us, so we gave up and left it unlocked - hoping for the best. i remember we kept laughing in the restaurant and people were looking at us. i wanted to walk her back home but she wouldn't let me. instead she walked me back to hol's and we stood and talked in the alley. eventually she had to go and i watched her cross the jewel parking lot, smoking, hair gleaming - and i hated to see her go. heidi. a year is too long to go without seeing you. i love you so much.
It's hard to believe that it has been a year today that you left us. We miss you and think of you everyday Hyde. Love you.